How to Win – When Life is Overwhelming With Heidi Rome

Howard Brown: 00:00:03

Hello, it's Howard Brown. It's the shining brightly

Howard Brown: 00:00:06

show. I have an amazing guest today, and a very important

Howard Brown: 00:00:10

topic. Oh my goodness, we are going to meet a mom with an

Howard Brown: 00:00:13

autistic son that is an absolute hero, and a good friend. Shout

Howard Brown: 00:00:19

out to the followers Lauren and Jeff, and Karen to, we met over

Howard Brown: 00:00:24

the networking group called Zula, which is an amazing group

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of heartfelt people that just actually give a shit. So they're

Howard Brown: 00:00:30

great peeps. So Heidi, welcome. Thank you so much, Howard. Great

Howard Brown: 00:00:34

to be here. I'm so glad that we've been connected. This is

Howard Brown: 00:00:39

great stuff, I want to you know, normally I actually have people

Howard Brown: 00:00:42

sometimes describe themselves, but I'm going to read your short

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bio. And then I'm going to have you fill in the blanks after for

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me and tell us maybe something that we don't know about you as

Howard Brown: 00:00:51

well. But Heidi Rome is a thought leader, a mom, most

Howard Brown: 00:00:55

importantly, a speaker, an author, Best Selling Author, oh,

Howard Brown: 00:00:58

by the way, staff facilitator, mentor, encourage her respective

Howard Brown: 00:01:03

shifter, I liked that one and a creator, you are the founder of

Howard Brown: 00:01:06

moms of spectrum oasis. And you're an advocate for severe

Howard Brown: 00:01:11

autism community, and you actually run a community. So

Howard Brown: 00:01:13

we're going to talk about that. So John, from a lifetime of

Howard Brown: 00:01:16

experience of juggling the demands of being a caregiver,

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you've learned some personal growth and some self

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actualization. It now gently guides us all to shift out of

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suffering and being overwhelmed to make a small but powerful

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loving, when when choices, even when we humans are faced with

Howard Brown: 00:01:36

daunting challenges. And change. When when we're going to talk

Howard Brown: 00:01:40

about that, too. So what a beautiful bio, fill in the

Howard Brown: 00:01:45

blanks, what did I miss and tell us something you know, people

Howard Brown: 00:01:47

may not know about you as well.

Heidi Rome: 00:01:50

I think you've you've covered the the big

Heidi Rome: 00:01:52

pieces of my life, something I don't put in there. But because

Heidi Rome: 00:01:57

it didn't seem to fit, although maybe it does is I love crafts

Heidi Rome: 00:02:01

fairs. So wherever I go, if I'm in a new city, I will search for

Heidi Rome: 00:02:07

you know where the artisans go, because I just love beautiful

Heidi Rome: 00:02:10

things. So that's something about me, that's not in the bio.

Howard Brown: 00:02:14

That's all right, that's a cool, happy place.

Howard Brown: 00:02:16

Everyone has to go to their stress free zone and their place

Howard Brown: 00:02:19

that brings them enlightenment, or enjoyment, or whatever it is,

Howard Brown: 00:02:22

and minds of the basketball court. So slightly different,

Howard Brown: 00:02:24

but you got to go to that place and go there often as well. So I

Howard Brown: 00:02:30

want to tell you this is, you know, a really important issue.

Howard Brown: 00:02:32

I'm prepared to take some notes and learn a little bit here. But

Howard Brown: 00:02:37

you know, you're known as a planner. And you've always been

Howard Brown: 00:02:42

carefully planning out the next steps of your life. And you

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know, even without a crystal ball, it's hard to predict. I

Howard Brown: 00:02:50

can't tell you this having a two time stage four, I never

Howard Brown: 00:02:53

expected to get cancer at 24. I never expected to get it again

Howard Brown: 00:02:56

at age 50. So life throws you some curveballs for sure. And

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it's always hard to predict, you know, what is coming next in

Howard Brown: 00:03:05

your life, and you had a curveball thrown at you. So

Howard Brown: 00:03:08

let's start there. And let's start with you know, that part

Howard Brown: 00:03:12

of your life before the curveball came?

Heidi Rome: 00:03:14

Yeah, well, life kind of gave me a curveball

Heidi Rome: 00:03:18

early on. I grew up with a sick mom. And so life was a lot of

Heidi Rome: 00:03:25

life was focused on helping care for her. And so I learned I call

Heidi Rome: 00:03:32

myself a recovering control freak. But I don't think you

Heidi Rome: 00:03:35

ever fully let go of that. Because there were so many

Heidi Rome: 00:03:39

things growing up. And then beyond that were out of my

Heidi Rome: 00:03:42

control, that I think a defence mechanism for myself was, well

Heidi Rome: 00:03:47

what can I control and by gum, I'm going to control it. And

Heidi Rome: 00:03:52

that's why planning did become very important for me, trying to

Heidi Rome: 00:03:57

anticipate every possible scenario and then prepare for

Heidi Rome: 00:04:01

it. So that I wouldn't be surprised and I would be able to

Heidi Rome: 00:04:04

accomplish whatever that goal might be.

Howard Brown: 00:04:08

Yeah, so you were caregiving for your mom?

Heidi Rome: 00:04:10

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, she almost died when I was four.

Heidi Rome: 00:04:14

And that became a pivotal event that, ironically put me on the

Heidi Rome: 00:04:22

caregiver path. But as I talk about prologue is preparation.

Heidi Rome: 00:04:30

And I certainly didn't know it or appreciated back then. But I

Heidi Rome: 00:04:36

have come to see that so many of the lessons that I learned back

Heidi Rome: 00:04:41

then, especially with regard to how to balance the the demands

Heidi Rome: 00:04:46

of caregiving with my own path and my own life. That was really

Heidi Rome: 00:04:52

that became an important thing to realise that even back then

Heidi Rome: 00:04:57

there were choices that I could make In still needing to be in

Heidi Rome: 00:05:02

service to someone else.

Howard Brown: 00:05:04

I want to tell you that you strike such an

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important point. There's a statistic that there's over 3.5

Howard Brown: 00:05:11

million unpaid caregivers just in the United States alone. So

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whether you're taking care of elderly parents, younger

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parents, taking care of a child taking care of a spouse, taking

Howard Brown: 00:05:22

care of a sick Auntie or cousin, or for other reasons, right, it

Howard Brown: 00:05:26

could be addiction. It could be trafficking, it could be

Howard Brown: 00:05:29

there's, there's lots of malaise out there. And I call that

Howard Brown: 00:05:31

darkness in my book shining brightly. Caregivers are angels

Howard Brown: 00:05:35

on this earth because they sacrifice some of their own well

Howard Brown: 00:05:38

being the stress, they take over, you know, some of that

Howard Brown: 00:05:42

planning and support at a cost to them. That is tough. Because

Howard Brown: 00:05:48

my parents, I moved back home, my mom and dad at age 24, right,

Howard Brown: 00:05:51

and they stopped their lives. Basically, as my wife was

Howard Brown: 00:05:54

stopped to walk alongside of me in front of me behind me, as we

Howard Brown: 00:05:57

talked about in the greenroom. And then at age 50, my wife

Howard Brown: 00:06:01

Elisa stepped up and took over right, you know, not that I was

Howard Brown: 00:06:05

out of the picture. But I was focused on either having bad

Howard Brown: 00:06:08

days or some good days, but I was trying to live, and you

Howard Brown: 00:06:12

know, what, keeping track of stuff, paying bills, raising the

Howard Brown: 00:06:16

daughter, you know, grocery shopping, none of that stuff

Howard Brown: 00:06:19

actually mattered because I was there trying to actually battle

Howard Brown: 00:06:22

on the front lines. So I totally the I call them the angels in my

Howard Brown: 00:06:27

book, The angels on earth. I also love my my medical team, my

Howard Brown: 00:06:31

doctors and nurses. And now we're facing nurse burnout and

Howard Brown: 00:06:34

Doctor burnout, and it's going to affect our healthcare system.

Howard Brown: 00:06:38

But caregiving is a selfless, beautiful thing. And it's the

Howard Brown: 00:06:43

toughest is being a mom, it's a tough job. So I want to tell you

Howard Brown: 00:06:47

that you're appreciated. You are an angel, and you're a hero, for

Howard Brown: 00:06:51

sure. But take me back now. I think what I do recall is that

Howard Brown: 00:06:55

in your 40s, you added marriage and baby so you did this a

Howard Brown: 00:06:58

little bit on the later side. Yes,

Heidi Rome: 00:06:59

yeah, yeah, I was a late bloomer. In large part

Heidi Rome: 00:07:05

because I was so consumed with caring for my mom, my my life,

Heidi Rome: 00:07:09

my own life, dating life, friend life was put on hold. And so it

Heidi Rome: 00:07:14

was really only after she passed away when I was 30, that I could

Heidi Rome: 00:07:19

put the, you know, shift my eyes and say, Well, okay, what about

Heidi Rome: 00:07:23

me? What about my life? Well, what do I want, and really have

Heidi Rome: 00:07:28

to get clear on on my goals. And personally, I, I've known I was

Heidi Rome: 00:07:33

one of those kids. When I was five years old, I knew I wanted

Heidi Rome: 00:07:35

to be a mom one day, however it would happen, I wanted it to be,

Heidi Rome: 00:07:40

you know, my own child, but whatever, I would go to the ends

Heidi Rome: 00:07:43

of the earth to get a child. And as I like to say, you know, I

Heidi Rome: 00:07:48

got in under the wire. And, and was very fortunate to meet my

Heidi Rome: 00:07:55

husband, who was also a late bloomer, and we had to with

Heidi Rome: 00:07:59

assistance, but we had two wonderful boys. Eric is my my

Heidi Rome: 00:08:04

older guy, and he's in college now. And two and a half years

Heidi Rome: 00:08:08

later was Ethan, who is who you mentioned before my my guy with

Heidi Rome: 00:08:14

severe autism. So the blessing did come not as I had always, or

Heidi Rome: 00:08:21

in the timeframe that I had always thought it

Howard Brown: 00:08:23

would be. So I love that you reference with

Howard Brown: 00:08:26

help. So you may not know but my a lot of my audience knows that.

Howard Brown: 00:08:30

Before I did a drop of chemotherapy. My liver function

Howard Brown: 00:08:34

tests was too high on my first chemotherapy back in October of

Howard Brown: 00:08:36

89. And my doctor Eric Rubin, whether it was a vision from God

Howard Brown: 00:08:41

or His, you know, good doctoring. You know, it's

Howard Brown: 00:08:43

probably a both, he sent me to the cryogenic centre in 1989.

Howard Brown: 00:08:48

Well, in 2000, in fall of 2000, we called for that sperm 11

Howard Brown: 00:08:53

years later, and we did a in vitro procedure called exceed

Howard Brown: 00:08:57

where they actually take seat Yes, exceed where they take,

Howard Brown: 00:09:00

they take the take the best swimmers, and my Lisa had

Howard Brown: 00:09:04

generated eight eggs, and then you harvest four of them back

Howard Brown: 00:09:07

in, and we got our beautiful daughter, Emily. So it is such a

Howard Brown: 00:09:10

blessing that help gave us a family and gave us a daughter

Howard Brown: 00:09:14

now, I could have certainly we could have got surrogate, I

Howard Brown: 00:09:16

could have got sperm donation, I could have adopted, all of those

Howard Brown: 00:09:19

are wonderful options. But the fact is, is that mine just

Howard Brown: 00:09:23

graduated University of Michigan and she's a TV reporter in

Howard Brown: 00:09:25

Montana. And so what a blessing there. So, yes, I want you to

Howard Brown: 00:09:31

know, the birth of Ethan now, okay, this is this is something

Howard Brown: 00:09:35

that you know, we never know and can expect. So please tell me

Howard Brown: 00:09:39

more about that.

Heidi Rome: 00:09:41

Well, we saw pretty quickly after Ethan was born

Heidi Rome: 00:09:44

that something was different. This This was not one of those

Heidi Rome: 00:09:49

situations where there's something called regressive

Heidi Rome: 00:09:52

autism where the child develops normally and then at a certain

Heidi Rome: 00:09:56

point in development, you know, h2 or thereabouts. As the child

Heidi Rome: 00:10:01

loses skills and and regresses Ethan, from the beginning, was

Heidi Rome: 00:10:06

missing milestones he was not doing. He was not developing

Heidi Rome: 00:10:10

along the typical timeline. So he wasn't making eye contact, he

Heidi Rome: 00:10:15

wasn't developing, you know, according to the printed

Heidi Rome: 00:10:22

guidelines, and it was when he was seven months old and not

Heidi Rome: 00:10:28

sitting up unsupported that the paediatrician suggested that he

Heidi Rome: 00:10:33

get physical therapy. And then that journey led us to, to

Heidi Rome: 00:10:39

notice all the missing milestones and eventually to the

Heidi Rome: 00:10:42

autism diagnosis.

Howard Brown: 00:10:46

And being a planner, you are that that

Howard Brown: 00:10:49

wasn't expected.

Heidi Rome: 00:10:51

I have autism, and I'll tell you how I was mad. I

Heidi Rome: 00:10:57

was mad at God, I, you know, because, you know, all those

Heidi Rome: 00:11:02

years taking care of my mom, I, I had to deal with God. Where I

Heidi Rome: 00:11:09

thought, okay, you know, this is what's been handed to me, but my

Heidi Rome: 00:11:14

turn will come, I'll do the best I can right now. And when it's

Heidi Rome: 00:11:20

my time, I and I, you know, made up the script in my mind that

Heidi Rome: 00:11:24

when it's my turn, you know, it will be the knight in shining

Heidi Rome: 00:11:28

armour and the and the fairy tale, and I'll meet the

Heidi Rome: 00:11:32

wonderful guy and have my fairy tale family. It'll be my turn.

Heidi Rome: 00:11:38

And then we had Eric, and he is a joy and blessing in every way.

Heidi Rome: 00:11:43

And we had no reason not to expect more of us give him a

Heidi Rome: 00:11:46

sibling. And we had Ethan and autism, I mean, and it was

Heidi Rome: 00:11:53

obvious autism and flapping autism and strange sounds

Heidi Rome: 00:11:59

autism. And I was like, wait a minute, this was not the deal. I

Heidi Rome: 00:12:05

was really angry. And I went into denial and anger. I

Heidi Rome: 00:12:08

remember when the neurology the developmental paediatrician

Heidi Rome: 00:12:12

neurologist gave us the diagnosis actually finally used

Heidi Rome: 00:12:17

the word autism because they avoided in the beginning. And I

Heidi Rome: 00:12:21

remember looking at her and thinking, not very nice words,

Heidi Rome: 00:12:26

and thinking, I didn't say it, but really thinking strongly.

Heidi Rome: 00:12:32

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Did you? Are you

Heidi Rome: 00:12:35

having a bad day? My kid doesn't have that. I mean, I really went

Heidi Rome: 00:12:41

into denial and anger. When I when I heard that, but you know,

Heidi Rome: 00:12:48

when I was hit with that word,

Howard Brown: 00:12:50

sure. I was two when I got diagnosed with stage

Howard Brown: 00:12:54

four, you know, T cell Lymphoma, Hodgkin's lymphoma. I was like a

Howard Brown: 00:13:00

deer in the headlights, and then I went into denial, then I went

Howard Brown: 00:13:03

into anger. And I think you need to allow yourself to go there.

Howard Brown: 00:13:07

Just not stay there. And so that's that's the important part

Howard Brown: 00:13:12

of that. Very important. Yeah, well, people do every and they

Howard Brown: 00:13:17

stay there for a long time that leads to depression. That leads

Howard Brown: 00:13:19

to other malaise, too much drinking drugs, it can lead to

Howard Brown: 00:13:22

abuse, it can lead to lots of things. So again, that's a

Howard Brown: 00:13:25

discipline that's a mental and physical toughness thing. But

Howard Brown: 00:13:30

this is interesting now because you regard your son's birth now.

Howard Brown: 00:13:35

Okay, after going through, rightly so many emotions, and

Howard Brown: 00:13:39

questioning your own rebirth can can you talk about how you kind

Howard Brown: 00:13:44

of feel that was a rebirth for you?

Heidi Rome: 00:13:47

Well, When ethan was born? I mean, certainly. And

Heidi Rome: 00:13:53

before there was autism, I really felt blessed. And that

Heidi Rome: 00:14:01

was my, my truth metre, the the inner metre within each of us

Heidi Rome: 00:14:07

that recognises truth and the truth of of the miracle of his

Heidi Rome: 00:14:13

birth and who this human being was, was I felt very blessed and

Heidi Rome: 00:14:19

happy that at the ripe old age that I was to have my own child,

Heidi Rome: 00:14:27

you know, that here he was. The Rebirth on the journey, though

Heidi Rome: 00:14:32

with autism was really having to reinvent myself and write a new

Heidi Rome: 00:14:42

script and create a new identity. And that's really the

Heidi Rome: 00:14:48

rebirth was the decision of who am I going to be in the face of

Heidi Rome: 00:14:54

a hard challenge to to choose the eternal choice of Every

Heidi Rome: 00:15:00

decision between love and fear, and hero or victim, and these

Heidi Rome: 00:15:05

are the philosophical choices, the emotional choices, the

Heidi Rome: 00:15:10

practical choices every day that is rooted in Who do I want to be

Heidi Rome: 00:15:16

in this life.

Howard Brown: 00:15:18

But you also had a thriving son and a husband. And

Howard Brown: 00:15:22

you needed to balance that, because I imagined taking care

Howard Brown: 00:15:26

of Ethan is a team sport. For sure. So go into kind of how you

Howard Brown: 00:15:32

had to change and the decision you made, and you saying that

Howard Brown: 00:15:36

the gifts of Ethan's words added to your narrative, please,

Howard Brown: 00:15:39

please share with that that's I find that provocative.

Heidi Rome: 00:15:42

Yes, well, Ethan has severe autism. So this was quite

Heidi Rome: 00:15:47

the journey. I had a full career when he was born, and healthcare

Heidi Rome: 00:15:54

marketing and then philanthropy. And I was working 18 hour days

Heidi Rome: 00:16:00

and on once he was born, and we were on this autism journey and

Heidi Rome: 00:16:05

realising this is not going away. One thing led to another

Heidi Rome: 00:16:12

and that place of employment said, you know, you're, you're

Heidi Rome: 00:16:16

really consumed with other things beyond this jaw, they

Heidi Rome: 00:16:20

didn't really say that, but that was the full communication. And

Heidi Rome: 00:16:24

I was let go, which made me very angry at the time. And I did

Heidi Rome: 00:16:29

come to say absolutely as a blessing, because it let me put

Heidi Rome: 00:16:34

that time and attention on Ethan and trying to get him you know,

Heidi Rome: 00:16:40

all that he needed. So that, that put me on that path. And,

Heidi Rome: 00:16:47

in short, to summarise, I spent so many years though, thinking

Heidi Rome: 00:16:54

it was my job as to be a good mother, which in my mind was to

Heidi Rome: 00:16:59

cure his autism was to fix this, make it go away, make him Okay,

Heidi Rome: 00:17:05

make my family Okay, again, that autism was the enemy to be

Heidi Rome: 00:17:11

eradicated, killed, annihilated all the violent words to get

Heidi Rome: 00:17:17

this thing out of our lives, so that we could pick up where we

Heidi Rome: 00:17:22

left off, and re enter the planet as normal people. And I

Heidi Rome: 00:17:27

thought that was my job, and spent years dragging Ethan to

Heidi Rome: 00:17:33

every kind of therapist. And one day, at his, we tried many

Heidi Rome: 00:17:40

things, different educational approaches, and at his second

Heidi Rome: 00:17:43

school, we were doing typing, supported typing, where he was

Heidi Rome: 00:17:49

beginning for the first time at age nine to be able to

Heidi Rome: 00:17:52

communicate. And I was describing to the teacher, all

Heidi Rome: 00:17:59

the therapies I was dragging Ethan to, and he leaned over to

Heidi Rome: 00:18:04

the letter board, wanting clearly to type and we laugh,

Heidi Rome: 00:18:08

because he was never in a hurry to get to work. And I said, Oh,

Heidi Rome: 00:18:11

Ethan, you know, you have something you want to tell us in

Heidi Rome: 00:18:14

the midst of my litany of all the things we were doing. And he

Heidi Rome: 00:18:18

typed, I'm tired. And I realised that this was I was making this

Heidi Rome: 00:18:25

about me, not him. And then ultimately, so that put me back

Heidi Rome: 00:18:31

on the into the realisation. Be careful of my perspective. And

Heidi Rome: 00:18:37

we talked a bit about, you know, when someone is ill, they,

Heidi Rome: 00:18:42

especially at once child, there's really a desire to step

Heidi Rome: 00:18:47

in and, you know, take care of everything. And we forget that,

Heidi Rome: 00:18:52

well, actually, it's their life. And what's their experience?

Heidi Rome: 00:18:57

What do they need? It's not about me, and am I being a good

Heidi Rome: 00:19:01

mother based on some random thing, I think. And that was

Heidi Rome: 00:19:06

that was really important, and then eventually, fast forward.

Heidi Rome: 00:19:12

Ethan was very dysregulated. And he wasn't safe. We weren't safe.

Heidi Rome: 00:19:18

He was putting his head through the walls of the house. It was

Heidi Rome: 00:19:22

very, very difficult and upsetting. And we made the very

Heidi Rome: 00:19:27

difficult decision that I had been resisting for years,

Heidi Rome: 00:19:31

because I thought I was failing and abandoning him. But when I

Heidi Rome: 00:19:35

finally said, Well, what does he need? What's in his best

Heidi Rome: 00:19:39

interest? We made the choice for him to go to a residential

Heidi Rome: 00:19:43

school for kids with severe autism so that he could get that

Heidi Rome: 00:19:48

24/7 support that he needed. And he's doing amazing there but

Heidi Rome: 00:19:54

before he left he you know, he height to me, you know, I said,

Heidi Rome: 00:20:01

you know, are you okay? You know, how do you feel about

Heidi Rome: 00:20:04

going and he was fine about going I was the one who was a

Heidi Rome: 00:20:08

mess. He typed, you know, my journey takes me there and I'm

Heidi Rome: 00:20:16

making big changes and I feel brave, don't be sad for me, are,

Heidi Rome: 00:20:22

are quitters of failure or taking a different path to

Heidi Rome: 00:20:26

success. This was he was 11. I mean, this was the kind of thing

Heidi Rome: 00:20:30

this kid was typing, even though he can't speak. And then

Heidi Rome: 00:20:34

eventually, the words that changed my life, were an amazing

Heidi Rome: 00:20:39

conversation and which, and it's in my book, you just have to

Heidi Rome: 00:20:44

love me. But in this conversation, Ethan spoke about

Heidi Rome: 00:20:50

his experience of his own autism as a spiritual journey. And

Heidi Rome: 00:20:55

knowing God and feeling purpose here and choosing us as as his

Heidi Rome: 00:21:00

family and choosing to have challenges. And I said, Why, why

Heidi Rome: 00:21:04

did you choose to have challenges, I will be greatly

Heidi Rome: 00:21:08

rewarded in eternity. And then ultimately, the thing that

Heidi Rome: 00:21:14

really, to answer your question, finally, that changed my life. I

Heidi Rome: 00:21:20

said, Well, what can we do to help you on this journey? And he

Heidi Rome: 00:21:26

responded through the typing, you just have to love me. And

Heidi Rome: 00:21:31

that is your job, the rest is my job to do. So that was such an

Heidi Rome: 00:21:42

awakening Howard, I had spent all these years trying to fix

Heidi Rome: 00:21:46

him. And he wasn't broken. Wow, he was on a different path. And

Heidi Rome: 00:21:52

I just needed the mom needed to learn, let go the control freak

Heidi Rome: 00:21:56

thing, stay in my lane. He's not broken, be his guide, be his

Heidi Rome: 00:22:03

companion. You know, to love does not mean live his life. For

Heidi Rome: 00:22:09

him. It means to nurture and guide and protect and educate

Heidi Rome: 00:22:13

and take care of and love. But it doesn't mean take over and

Heidi Rome: 00:22:19

live his life for him. And that realisation changed everything

Heidi Rome: 00:22:25

for me.

Howard Brown: 00:22:26

I want to tell you that deeply powerful, deep

Howard Brown: 00:22:32

transformation. And just amazing that he was able to you know, at

Howard Brown: 00:22:41

least you communicate that to you with the typing a little

Howard Brown: 00:22:43

bit. Now, current day now if he's still in that residential

Howard Brown: 00:22:46

school.

Heidi Rome: 00:22:47

Yes, yes, he's 17. And he can he can stay there

Heidi Rome: 00:22:52

until he's 22. So, and I'm already starting the process,

Heidi Rome: 00:22:57

though, since he will need to leave there, at some point,

Heidi Rome: 00:23:00

looking for a place just like it but for severely autistic

Heidi Rome: 00:23:06

adults, so that's in to be found or to be created, but one way or

Heidi Rome: 00:23:11

the other, he will have what he needs.

Howard Brown: 00:23:13

And you go see him because he's not able to talk on

Howard Brown: 00:23:16

the phone or you can actually have to FaceTime with him right?

Howard Brown: 00:23:20

Or as well,

Heidi Rome: 00:23:20

we do we do we actually Skype with him. Every

Heidi Rome: 00:23:25

week he has an aide, you know, support him with it. Verbally he

Heidi Rome: 00:23:30

doesn't have much language. So on on FaceTime, we we talk about

Heidi Rome: 00:23:35

the next time we're going to visit him and we're going to eat

Heidi Rome: 00:23:38

and he's going to get a hamburger.

Howard Brown: 00:23:41

Okay, but he sees you. And yes, yeah. And he knows

Howard Brown: 00:23:44

you guys. Oh, that's yes. We're just amazing story. Thank you

Howard Brown: 00:23:48

for sharing. I'm taking it all in, it's very important that,

Howard Brown: 00:23:53

you know, you really talked about your transition and your

Howard Brown: 00:23:56

changes that you needed to make. Not that you were doing it right

Howard Brown: 00:24:00

or wrong, there's no right or wrong. But that that actual

Howard Brown: 00:24:03

realisation, that realisation it's really powerful that you

Howard Brown: 00:24:07

were able to do that. And so wow, I'm just telling you, it's

Howard Brown: 00:24:13

really incredible that you get it you should be applauded,

Howard Brown: 00:24:16

because I will tell you that when I was younger, you know,

Howard Brown: 00:24:20

coming through cancer the first time I went through fairly

Howard Brown: 00:24:23

quickly. Okay, getting diagnosed in October of 89. And first

Howard Brown: 00:24:26

coming out in August of 89 and getting off treatment, you know,

Howard Brown: 00:24:29

January of basically 1990 I ended up I'm sorry, 91. I ended

Howard Brown: 00:24:37

up moving to California and rebuilding my life again. And

Howard Brown: 00:24:41

putting Humpty Dumpty back together again is my say version

Howard Brown: 00:24:44

one Oh, and I did I got confidence I got I was 135

Howard Brown: 00:24:48

pounds of bald I played lots of basketball. My career started to

Howard Brown: 00:24:51

take shape. I met my wife Lisa was doing a lot of volunteerism

Howard Brown: 00:24:54

in the Jewish community raising funds becoming a big brother,

Howard Brown: 00:24:58

and things started to click Right. And then, you know, my

Howard Brown: 00:25:01

miracle daughter was born in Silicon Valley. And now back

Howard Brown: 00:25:03

here in Michigan. Unfortunately, at age 50, I had no expected

Howard Brown: 00:25:08

foundation that lightning was going to strike twice. And I

Howard Brown: 00:25:10

would get, you know, a colorectal cancer stage three

Howard Brown: 00:25:12

diagnosis and these last seven years to go from cancer to

Howard Brown: 00:25:16

COVID. And then try to build Humpty Dumpty version two all

Howard Brown: 00:25:19

over again. And so the path isn't always linear. And also

Howard Brown: 00:25:24

you have to play the cards that you're dealt. And that's that's

Howard Brown: 00:25:29

the that's that's just what happens in life, no matter how

Howard Brown: 00:25:32

much you talk to God, you know, you've got your, your your

Howard Brown: 00:25:35

vibration, your course that you're following and need to.

Howard Brown: 00:25:38

And it's, it's amazing, you have so much to offer, personally,

Howard Brown: 00:25:42

but also with other folks with autism. But I see how it now

Howard Brown: 00:25:46

relates to changing your perspective and picking yourself

Howard Brown: 00:25:49

up and potentially going in a slightly different direction

Howard Brown: 00:25:52

that makes better or more sense for you.

Heidi Rome: 00:25:55

Well, thank you for that. And your, you know, I

Heidi Rome: 00:26:00

imagine that dealing with a heart truth, there are many

Heidi Rome: 00:26:05

parallels between your story and mine, of course, and one of the

Heidi Rome: 00:26:10

most important pieces is learning to trust yourself. You

Heidi Rome: 00:26:16

know, we're both challenges, whether cancer, autism, divorce,

Heidi Rome: 00:26:22

any anything that life throws at people, we tend to look at

Heidi Rome: 00:26:27

outside authorities for answers, someone out there is smarter

Heidi Rome: 00:26:31

than I am and will know the right thing to do in my

Heidi Rome: 00:26:35

situation. And people will have information for you. And that is

Heidi Rome: 00:26:40

true. And it's good to gather information. But ultimately,

Heidi Rome: 00:26:44

only you can make the choice that's right for you. And to

Heidi Rome: 00:26:51

trust that to really know that is really crucial that we were

Heidi Rome: 00:26:56

born with this ability, this equipment. But the powers that

Heidi Rome: 00:27:02

be well meaning people's school system, ancestors, parents, the

Heidi Rome: 00:27:08

world around us, we get messages saying, Yeah, that's nice, but

Heidi Rome: 00:27:12

listen to others. And ultimately, the real truth of

Heidi Rome: 00:27:17

what's best for us as an individual can only come from

Heidi Rome: 00:27:21

our own heart. And when we remember that we're much

Heidi Rome: 00:27:26

happier, and we start making better decisions.

Howard Brown: 00:27:30

I, I agree with you, and you are in charge of

Howard Brown: 00:27:33

yourself. And self care does equal self love. And I will tell

Howard Brown: 00:27:37

you that one of my biggest lessons, it's in chapter one of

Howard Brown: 00:27:40

my book is that my buddy Bertha Buddha's who came to this

Howard Brown: 00:27:43

country from Lithuania, Poland, could be Ukraine, she drilled

Howard Brown: 00:27:48

into us and again, a couple of things, and she said, you can

Howard Brown: 00:27:52

choose kindness, every single day, you can choose giving and

Howard Brown: 00:27:57

giving to others, and you can choose healing yourself and

Howard Brown: 00:28:00

others every day, those three things she said, if you do all

Howard Brown: 00:28:03

three, those three things every day, that's a pretty good day.

Howard Brown: 00:28:06

And she's right. And so one of the things that I found in my

Howard Brown: 00:28:10

darkness of the to cancer diagnosis and other smaller

Howard Brown: 00:28:13

darknesses you know, call it you know, with jobs or frustrations

Howard Brown: 00:28:17

or other things is that you take the spotlight off yourself for a

Howard Brown: 00:28:21

second and go help someone else. And you've been doing that your

Howard Brown: 00:28:24

whole life with your mom and with your, your husband, your

Howard Brown: 00:28:27

your son and also Ethan. And if you take the spotlight off

Howard Brown: 00:28:30

yourself, it does actually allow you to shine your light on

Howard Brown: 00:28:35

somebody else and have them to offer it, but it does come back

Howard Brown: 00:28:38

to yourself. And you have to be able to make those decisions

Howard Brown: 00:28:42

moving forward. But I think living a good life is actually

Howard Brown: 00:28:46

what you can actually give and you have so many things to give.

Howard Brown: 00:28:50

And I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna we're going to talk about

Howard Brown: 00:28:52

some of those resources in a second. So, this is the part of

Howard Brown: 00:28:55

the show that we do the shining brightly spotlight. So it is

Howard Brown: 00:28:59

shining so brightly on you, Heidi, you know the sun is

Howard Brown: 00:29:02

coming from my screen to your screen and you are shining so

Howard Brown: 00:29:05

brightly. I want you to tell my audience how they can one get in

Howard Brown: 00:29:09

touch with you some of the resources that you have to offer

Howard Brown: 00:29:12

for not just you know, folks dealing with autism but in life

Howard Brown: 00:29:17

and then then end with some some some some wisdom and some

Howard Brown: 00:29:21

inspiration and kick the show back over to meet a close.

Heidi Rome: 00:29:25

Okay, well, the easiest way to reach out to me

Heidi Rome: 00:29:28

is go to my website, which is Heidi rom.com. It has contact

Heidi Rome: 00:29:32

information there to email me reach out as you like and

Heidi Rome: 00:29:36

there's a meditation on there which you know, people tell me

Heidi Rome: 00:29:40

is very soothing. So, I, you know, I invite people to reach

Heidi Rome: 00:29:44

out whoever would like to, and I do have a group. Take a breath

Heidi Rome: 00:29:50

and breathe on on Facebook is the easy, easiest place to go to

Heidi Rome: 00:29:54

access that and we meet every month for a programme called 25

Heidi Rome: 00:29:58

minutes for me To refill our own cup, because as you've just

Heidi Rome: 00:30:04

described, Howard, you know, we have to, we can't give what we

Heidi Rome: 00:30:08

don't have. And we have to fill our own cup, and be kind and

Heidi Rome: 00:30:12

loving and giving and generous to ourselves first, so that we

Heidi Rome: 00:30:17

can then be in a position to help and be of service to those

Heidi Rome: 00:30:20

we love and those around us. And actually, I don't know if you

Heidi Rome: 00:30:23

know this, but the human heart sends blood to itself first.

Heidi Rome: 00:30:30

Before pumping blood to the rest of the body, even we are

Heidi Rome: 00:30:35

designed, we are physically designed to put our own oxygen

Heidi Rome: 00:30:40

mask on first to feed ourselves first, so that we can be all

Heidi Rome: 00:30:46

that we were divinely meant to be, which includes then to be of

Heidi Rome: 00:30:50

service to those, everyone around us, whether it's our

Heidi Rome: 00:30:54

family, friends, community, the planet.

Howard Brown: 00:30:58

And please add your book title and your best

Howard Brown: 00:31:02

selling author. So you have a great book that people should

Howard Brown: 00:31:05

know about.

Heidi Rome: 00:31:06

Thank you so much. Yes, my book is on Amazon, Heidi

Heidi Rome: 00:31:10

Rome. And the author is the author, the title is you just

Heidi Rome: 00:31:18

have to love me mothering instructions from my autistic

Heidi Rome: 00:31:22

child. And the mothering instructions, let me just say,

Heidi Rome: 00:31:27

it's guidance for anyone facing hard things. You know, it's

Heidi Rome: 00:31:31

through the journey of autism. And yet, because it's such a

Heidi Rome: 00:31:36

hard challenge, you can fill in the blank, whatever hard thing

Heidi Rome: 00:31:41

that you're grappling with, I hope that you'll find ease and

Heidi Rome: 00:31:46

guidance and peace you know, from from hearing my story and

Heidi Rome: 00:31:52

they encourage you in your story.

Howard Brown: 00:31:54

It thank you for sharing your light. It's as I

Howard Brown: 00:31:57

said, you as a caregiver, for your mom and for your your son

Howard Brown: 00:32:01

and also your your your your older son and your husband, you

Howard Brown: 00:32:05

are an angel on this earth. It's just amazing what you've been

Howard Brown: 00:32:09

able to do and now to actually offer these opportunities to

Howard Brown: 00:32:13

help others it's beautiful. This is the shining brightly podcast

Howard Brown: 00:32:17

show. I'm Howard Brown, you can reach me at shining brightly.com

Howard Brown: 00:32:21

And you'll find my speaking you'll find the information

Howard Brown: 00:32:24

about the book, the podcast, which is what you're listening

Howard Brown: 00:32:28

to right now and my advocacy. And so I just think that you

Howard Brown: 00:32:31

know come in interact with me and come listen to this show it

Howard Brown: 00:32:35

you are a gem This is such a great episode people are gonna

Howard Brown: 00:32:39

learn and and really, really take this to heart and hopefully

Howard Brown: 00:32:43

they'll reach out to you and connect with you as well. So

Howard Brown: 00:32:46

thank you for being here.

Heidi Rome: 00:32:48

Thank you so much, Howard.