Episode 44

How to Win – When Life is Overwhelming With Heidi Rome

CAREGIVERS ARE ANGELS ON THIS EARTH! In Episode 44 of the Shining Brightly Podcast Show: “How to Win When Life is Overwhelming”. I am joined by the amazing thought leader, mom, speaker, author facilitator, caregiver and so much more - Heidi Rome. We get into the details of caregiving for her ill mom and then autistic son Ethan. The gift of Ethan’s few words changed her narrative and let to a best-selling book – “You Just Have to Love Me” and Founder of the Mom’s Spectrum Oasis (an Autism Support Community). We discuss her journey, personal growth and the ability to make small but powerful “Win/When” choices even as we face daunting change and challenges. Come listen, download, share and review this amazing show!

Mentioned Resources

Website - www.heidirome.com

LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/heidi-rome-8b60a110/

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/heidi.o.rome

Book – “You Just Have To love Me” –https: //tinyurl.com/YouJustHaveToLoveMe

Email - heidi@msonj.com

Workshops for orgs and corporations - “How to Win When Life is Overwhelming”

About the guest – Heidi Rome is a thought leader, mom, speaker, author, staff facilitator, mentor, encourager, perspective-shifter, and creator. Founder of Moms Spectrum Oasis, she is also an advocate for the severe autism community. Drawing from a lifetime of experience juggling the demands of caregiving with personal growth and self-actualization, Heidi now gently guides us all to shift out of suffering and overwhelm, and to make small-but-powerful, loving “Win/When” choices even as we humans face daunting change and challenges. 

About the Host:

Howard Brown is a best-selling author, award-winning international speaker, Silicon Valley entrepreneur, interfaith peacemaker, and a two-time stage IV cancer survivor. He is also a sought-after speaker and consultant for corporate businesses, nonprofits, congregations, and community groups. Howard has co-founded two social networks that were the first to connect religious communities around the world. He is a nationally known patient advocate and “cancer whisperer” to many families. Howard, his wife Lisa, and daughter Emily currently reside in Michigan, and his happy place is on the basketball court.

Website

Http://www.shiningbrightly.com

Social Media

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/howard.brown.36

LinkedIn - https://wwwlinkedin.com/in/howardsbrown

Instagram - @howard.brown.36


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#life #winning #autism #community #spectrum #facilitator #caregiving #books #author #bestseller #coaching #healthcare credibility #motivation #education #inspiration #podcast #download #share #shiningbrightly

Transcript
Howard Brown:

Hello, it's Howard Brown. It's the shining brightly

Howard Brown:

show. I have an amazing guest today, and a very important

Howard Brown:

topic. Oh my goodness, we are going to meet a mom with an

Howard Brown:

autistic son that is an absolute hero, and a good friend. Shout

Howard Brown:

out to the followers Lauren and Jeff, and Karen to, we met over

Howard Brown:

the networking group called Zula, which is an amazing group

Howard Brown:

of heartfelt people that just actually give a shit. So they're

Howard Brown:

great peeps. So Heidi, welcome. Thank you so much, Howard. Great

Howard Brown:

to be here. I'm so glad that we've been connected. This is

Howard Brown:

great stuff, I want to you know, normally I actually have people

Howard Brown:

sometimes describe themselves, but I'm going to read your short

Howard Brown:

bio. And then I'm going to have you fill in the blanks after for

Howard Brown:

me and tell us maybe something that we don't know about you as

Howard Brown:

well. But Heidi Rome is a thought leader, a mom, most

Howard Brown:

importantly, a speaker, an author, Best Selling Author, oh,

Howard Brown:

by the way, staff facilitator, mentor, encourage her respective

Howard Brown:

shifter, I liked that one and a creator, you are the founder of

Howard Brown:

moms of spectrum oasis. And you're an advocate for severe

Howard Brown:

autism community, and you actually run a community. So

Howard Brown:

we're going to talk about that. So John, from a lifetime of

Howard Brown:

experience of juggling the demands of being a caregiver,

Howard Brown:

you've learned some personal growth and some self

Howard Brown:

actualization. It now gently guides us all to shift out of

Howard Brown:

suffering and being overwhelmed to make a small but powerful

Howard Brown:

loving, when when choices, even when we humans are faced with

Howard Brown:

daunting challenges. And change. When when we're going to talk

Howard Brown:

about that, too. So what a beautiful bio, fill in the

Howard Brown:

blanks, what did I miss and tell us something you know, people

Howard Brown:

may not know about you as well.

Heidi Rome:

I think you've you've covered the the big

Heidi Rome:

pieces of my life, something I don't put in there. But because

Heidi Rome:

it didn't seem to fit, although maybe it does is I love crafts

Heidi Rome:

fairs. So wherever I go, if I'm in a new city, I will search for

Heidi Rome:

you know where the artisans go, because I just love beautiful

Heidi Rome:

things. So that's something about me, that's not in the bio.

Howard Brown:

That's all right, that's a cool, happy place.

Howard Brown:

Everyone has to go to their stress free zone and their place

Howard Brown:

that brings them enlightenment, or enjoyment, or whatever it is,

Howard Brown:

and minds of the basketball court. So slightly different,

Howard Brown:

but you got to go to that place and go there often as well. So I

Howard Brown:

want to tell you this is, you know, a really important issue.

Howard Brown:

I'm prepared to take some notes and learn a little bit here. But

Howard Brown:

you know, you're known as a planner. And you've always been

Howard Brown:

carefully planning out the next steps of your life. And you

Howard Brown:

know, even without a crystal ball, it's hard to predict. I

Howard Brown:

can't tell you this having a two time stage four, I never

Howard Brown:

expected to get cancer at 24. I never expected to get it again

Howard Brown:

at age 50. So life throws you some curveballs for sure. And

Howard Brown:

it's always hard to predict, you know, what is coming next in

Howard Brown:

your life, and you had a curveball thrown at you. So

Howard Brown:

let's start there. And let's start with you know, that part

Howard Brown:

of your life before the curveball came?

Heidi Rome:

Yeah, well, life kind of gave me a curveball

Heidi Rome:

early on. I grew up with a sick mom. And so life was a lot of

Heidi Rome:

life was focused on helping care for her. And so I learned I call

Heidi Rome:

myself a recovering control freak. But I don't think you

Heidi Rome:

ever fully let go of that. Because there were so many

Heidi Rome:

things growing up. And then beyond that were out of my

Heidi Rome:

control, that I think a defence mechanism for myself was, well

Heidi Rome:

what can I control and by gum, I'm going to control it. And

Heidi Rome:

that's why planning did become very important for me, trying to

Heidi Rome:

anticipate every possible scenario and then prepare for

Heidi Rome:

it. So that I wouldn't be surprised and I would be able to

Heidi Rome:

accomplish whatever that goal might be.

Howard Brown:

Yeah, so you were caregiving for your mom?

Heidi Rome:

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, she almost died when I was four.

Heidi Rome:

And that became a pivotal event that, ironically put me on the

Heidi Rome:

caregiver path. But as I talk about prologue is preparation.

Heidi Rome:

And I certainly didn't know it or appreciated back then. But I

Heidi Rome:

have come to see that so many of the lessons that I learned back

Heidi Rome:

then, especially with regard to how to balance the the demands

Heidi Rome:

of caregiving with my own path and my own life. That was really

Heidi Rome:

that became an important thing to realise that even back then

Heidi Rome:

there were choices that I could make In still needing to be in

Heidi Rome:

service to someone else.

Howard Brown:

I want to tell you that you strike such an

Howard Brown:

important point. There's a statistic that there's over 3.5

Howard Brown:

million unpaid caregivers just in the United States alone. So

Howard Brown:

whether you're taking care of elderly parents, younger

Howard Brown:

parents, taking care of a child taking care of a spouse, taking

Howard Brown:

care of a sick Auntie or cousin, or for other reasons, right, it

Howard Brown:

could be addiction. It could be trafficking, it could be

Howard Brown:

there's, there's lots of malaise out there. And I call that

Howard Brown:

darkness in my book shining brightly. Caregivers are angels

Howard Brown:

on this earth because they sacrifice some of their own well

Howard Brown:

being the stress, they take over, you know, some of that

Howard Brown:

planning and support at a cost to them. That is tough. Because

Howard Brown:

my parents, I moved back home, my mom and dad at age 24, right,

Howard Brown:

and they stopped their lives. Basically, as my wife was

Howard Brown:

stopped to walk alongside of me in front of me behind me, as we

Howard Brown:

talked about in the greenroom. And then at age 50, my wife

Howard Brown:

Elisa stepped up and took over right, you know, not that I was

Howard Brown:

out of the picture. But I was focused on either having bad

Howard Brown:

days or some good days, but I was trying to live, and you

Howard Brown:

know, what, keeping track of stuff, paying bills, raising the

Howard Brown:

daughter, you know, grocery shopping, none of that stuff

Howard Brown:

actually mattered because I was there trying to actually battle

Howard Brown:

on the front lines. So I totally the I call them the angels in my

Howard Brown:

book, The angels on earth. I also love my my medical team, my

Howard Brown:

doctors and nurses. And now we're facing nurse burnout and

Howard Brown:

Doctor burnout, and it's going to affect our healthcare system.

Howard Brown:

But caregiving is a selfless, beautiful thing. And it's the

Howard Brown:

toughest is being a mom, it's a tough job. So I want to tell you

Howard Brown:

that you're appreciated. You are an angel, and you're a hero, for

Howard Brown:

sure. But take me back now. I think what I do recall is that

Howard Brown:

in your 40s, you added marriage and baby so you did this a

Howard Brown:

little bit on the later side. Yes,

Heidi Rome:

yeah, yeah, I was a late bloomer. In large part

Heidi Rome:

because I was so consumed with caring for my mom, my my life,

Heidi Rome:

my own life, dating life, friend life was put on hold. And so it

Heidi Rome:

was really only after she passed away when I was 30, that I could

Heidi Rome:

put the, you know, shift my eyes and say, Well, okay, what about

Heidi Rome:

me? What about my life? Well, what do I want, and really have

Heidi Rome:

to get clear on on my goals. And personally, I, I've known I was

Heidi Rome:

one of those kids. When I was five years old, I knew I wanted

Heidi Rome:

to be a mom one day, however it would happen, I wanted it to be,

Heidi Rome:

you know, my own child, but whatever, I would go to the ends

Heidi Rome:

of the earth to get a child. And as I like to say, you know, I

Heidi Rome:

got in under the wire. And, and was very fortunate to meet my

Heidi Rome:

husband, who was also a late bloomer, and we had to with

Heidi Rome:

assistance, but we had two wonderful boys. Eric is my my

Heidi Rome:

older guy, and he's in college now. And two and a half years

Heidi Rome:

later was Ethan, who is who you mentioned before my my guy with

Heidi Rome:

severe autism. So the blessing did come not as I had always, or

Heidi Rome:

in the timeframe that I had always thought it

Howard Brown:

would be. So I love that you reference with

Howard Brown:

help. So you may not know but my a lot of my audience knows that.

Howard Brown:

Before I did a drop of chemotherapy. My liver function

Howard Brown:

tests was too high on my first chemotherapy back in October of

Howard Brown:

89. And my doctor Eric Rubin, whether it was a vision from God

Howard Brown:

or His, you know, good doctoring. You know, it's

Howard Brown:

probably a both, he sent me to the cryogenic centre in 1989.

Howard Brown:

Well, in 2000, in fall of 2000, we called for that sperm 11

Howard Brown:

years later, and we did a in vitro procedure called exceed

Howard Brown:

where they actually take seat Yes, exceed where they take,

Howard Brown:

they take the take the best swimmers, and my Lisa had

Howard Brown:

generated eight eggs, and then you harvest four of them back

Howard Brown:

in, and we got our beautiful daughter, Emily. So it is such a

Howard Brown:

blessing that help gave us a family and gave us a daughter

Howard Brown:

now, I could have certainly we could have got surrogate, I

Howard Brown:

could have got sperm donation, I could have adopted, all of those

Howard Brown:

are wonderful options. But the fact is, is that mine just

Howard Brown:

graduated University of Michigan and she's a TV reporter in

Howard Brown:

Montana. And so what a blessing there. So, yes, I want you to

Howard Brown:

know, the birth of Ethan now, okay, this is this is something

Howard Brown:

that you know, we never know and can expect. So please tell me

Howard Brown:

more about that.

Heidi Rome:

Well, we saw pretty quickly after Ethan was born

Heidi Rome:

that something was different. This This was not one of those

Heidi Rome:

situations where there's something called regressive

Heidi Rome:

autism where the child develops normally and then at a certain

Heidi Rome:

point in development, you know, h2 or thereabouts. As the child

Heidi Rome:

loses skills and and regresses Ethan, from the beginning, was

Heidi Rome:

missing milestones he was not doing. He was not developing

Heidi Rome:

along the typical timeline. So he wasn't making eye contact, he

Heidi Rome:

wasn't developing, you know, according to the printed

Heidi Rome:

guidelines, and it was when he was seven months old and not

Heidi Rome:

sitting up unsupported that the paediatrician suggested that he

Heidi Rome:

get physical therapy. And then that journey led us to, to

Heidi Rome:

notice all the missing milestones and eventually to the

Heidi Rome:

autism diagnosis.

Howard Brown:

And being a planner, you are that that

Howard Brown:

wasn't expected.

Heidi Rome:

I have autism, and I'll tell you how I was mad. I

Heidi Rome:

was mad at God, I, you know, because, you know, all those

Heidi Rome:

years taking care of my mom, I, I had to deal with God. Where I

Heidi Rome:

thought, okay, you know, this is what's been handed to me, but my

Heidi Rome:

turn will come, I'll do the best I can right now. And when it's

Heidi Rome:

my time, I and I, you know, made up the script in my mind that

Heidi Rome:

when it's my turn, you know, it will be the knight in shining

Heidi Rome:

armour and the and the fairy tale, and I'll meet the

Heidi Rome:

wonderful guy and have my fairy tale family. It'll be my turn.

Heidi Rome:

And then we had Eric, and he is a joy and blessing in every way.

Heidi Rome:

And we had no reason not to expect more of us give him a

Heidi Rome:

sibling. And we had Ethan and autism, I mean, and it was

Heidi Rome:

obvious autism and flapping autism and strange sounds

Heidi Rome:

autism. And I was like, wait a minute, this was not the deal. I

Heidi Rome:

was really angry. And I went into denial and anger. I

Heidi Rome:

remember when the neurology the developmental paediatrician

Heidi Rome:

neurologist gave us the diagnosis actually finally used

Heidi Rome:

the word autism because they avoided in the beginning. And I

Heidi Rome:

remember looking at her and thinking, not very nice words,

Heidi Rome:

and thinking, I didn't say it, but really thinking strongly.

Heidi Rome:

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Did you? Are you

Heidi Rome:

having a bad day? My kid doesn't have that. I mean, I really went

Heidi Rome:

into denial and anger. When I when I heard that, but you know,

Heidi Rome:

when I was hit with that word,

Howard Brown:

sure. I was two when I got diagnosed with stage

Howard Brown:

four, you know, T cell Lymphoma, Hodgkin's lymphoma. I was like a

Howard Brown:

deer in the headlights, and then I went into denial, then I went

Howard Brown:

into anger. And I think you need to allow yourself to go there.

Howard Brown:

Just not stay there. And so that's that's the important part

Howard Brown:

of that. Very important. Yeah, well, people do every and they

Howard Brown:

stay there for a long time that leads to depression. That leads

Howard Brown:

to other malaise, too much drinking drugs, it can lead to

Howard Brown:

abuse, it can lead to lots of things. So again, that's a

Howard Brown:

discipline that's a mental and physical toughness thing. But

Howard Brown:

this is interesting now because you regard your son's birth now.

Howard Brown:

Okay, after going through, rightly so many emotions, and

Howard Brown:

questioning your own rebirth can can you talk about how you kind

Howard Brown:

of feel that was a rebirth for you?

Heidi Rome:

Well, When ethan was born? I mean, certainly. And

Heidi Rome:

before there was autism, I really felt blessed. And that

Heidi Rome:

was my, my truth metre, the the inner metre within each of us

Heidi Rome:

that recognises truth and the truth of of the miracle of his

Heidi Rome:

birth and who this human being was, was I felt very blessed and

Heidi Rome:

happy that at the ripe old age that I was to have my own child,

Heidi Rome:

you know, that here he was. The Rebirth on the journey, though

Heidi Rome:

with autism was really having to reinvent myself and write a new

Heidi Rome:

script and create a new identity. And that's really the

Heidi Rome:

rebirth was the decision of who am I going to be in the face of

Heidi Rome:

a hard challenge to to choose the eternal choice of Every

Heidi Rome:

decision between love and fear, and hero or victim, and these

Heidi Rome:

are the philosophical choices, the emotional choices, the

Heidi Rome:

practical choices every day that is rooted in Who do I want to be

Heidi Rome:

in this life.

Howard Brown:

But you also had a thriving son and a husband. And

Howard Brown:

you needed to balance that, because I imagined taking care

Howard Brown:

of Ethan is a team sport. For sure. So go into kind of how you

Howard Brown:

had to change and the decision you made, and you saying that

Howard Brown:

the gifts of Ethan's words added to your narrative, please,

Howard Brown:

please share with that that's I find that provocative.

Heidi Rome:

Yes, well, Ethan has severe autism. So this was quite

Heidi Rome:

the journey. I had a full career when he was born, and healthcare

Heidi Rome:

marketing and then philanthropy. And I was working 18 hour days

Heidi Rome:

and on once he was born, and we were on this autism journey and

Heidi Rome:

realising this is not going away. One thing led to another

Heidi Rome:

and that place of employment said, you know, you're, you're

Heidi Rome:

really consumed with other things beyond this jaw, they

Heidi Rome:

didn't really say that, but that was the full communication. And

Heidi Rome:

I was let go, which made me very angry at the time. And I did

Heidi Rome:

come to say absolutely as a blessing, because it let me put

Heidi Rome:

that time and attention on Ethan and trying to get him you know,

Heidi Rome:

all that he needed. So that, that put me on that path. And,

Heidi Rome:

in short, to summarise, I spent so many years though, thinking

Heidi Rome:

it was my job as to be a good mother, which in my mind was to

Heidi Rome:

cure his autism was to fix this, make it go away, make him Okay,

Heidi Rome:

make my family Okay, again, that autism was the enemy to be

Heidi Rome:

eradicated, killed, annihilated all the violent words to get

Heidi Rome:

this thing out of our lives, so that we could pick up where we

Heidi Rome:

left off, and re enter the planet as normal people. And I

Heidi Rome:

thought that was my job, and spent years dragging Ethan to

Heidi Rome:

every kind of therapist. And one day, at his, we tried many

Heidi Rome:

things, different educational approaches, and at his second

Heidi Rome:

school, we were doing typing, supported typing, where he was

Heidi Rome:

beginning for the first time at age nine to be able to

Heidi Rome:

communicate. And I was describing to the teacher, all

Heidi Rome:

the therapies I was dragging Ethan to, and he leaned over to

Heidi Rome:

the letter board, wanting clearly to type and we laugh,

Heidi Rome:

because he was never in a hurry to get to work. And I said, Oh,

Heidi Rome:

Ethan, you know, you have something you want to tell us in

Heidi Rome:

the midst of my litany of all the things we were doing. And he

Heidi Rome:

typed, I'm tired. And I realised that this was I was making this

Heidi Rome:

about me, not him. And then ultimately, so that put me back

Heidi Rome:

on the into the realisation. Be careful of my perspective. And

Heidi Rome:

we talked a bit about, you know, when someone is ill, they,

Heidi Rome:

especially at once child, there's really a desire to step

Heidi Rome:

in and, you know, take care of everything. And we forget that,

Heidi Rome:

well, actually, it's their life. And what's their experience?

Heidi Rome:

What do they need? It's not about me, and am I being a good

Heidi Rome:

mother based on some random thing, I think. And that was

Heidi Rome:

that was really important, and then eventually, fast forward.

Heidi Rome:

Ethan was very dysregulated. And he wasn't safe. We weren't safe.

Heidi Rome:

He was putting his head through the walls of the house. It was

Heidi Rome:

very, very difficult and upsetting. And we made the very

Heidi Rome:

difficult decision that I had been resisting for years,

Heidi Rome:

because I thought I was failing and abandoning him. But when I

Heidi Rome:

finally said, Well, what does he need? What's in his best

Heidi Rome:

interest? We made the choice for him to go to a residential

Heidi Rome:

school for kids with severe autism so that he could get that

Heidi Rome:

24/7 support that he needed. And he's doing amazing there but

Heidi Rome:

before he left he you know, he height to me, you know, I said,

Heidi Rome:

you know, are you okay? You know, how do you feel about

Heidi Rome:

going and he was fine about going I was the one who was a

Heidi Rome:

mess. He typed, you know, my journey takes me there and I'm

Heidi Rome:

making big changes and I feel brave, don't be sad for me, are,

Heidi Rome:

are quitters of failure or taking a different path to

Heidi Rome:

success. This was he was 11. I mean, this was the kind of thing

Heidi Rome:

this kid was typing, even though he can't speak. And then

Heidi Rome:

eventually, the words that changed my life, were an amazing

Heidi Rome:

conversation and which, and it's in my book, you just have to

Heidi Rome:

love me. But in this conversation, Ethan spoke about

Heidi Rome:

his experience of his own autism as a spiritual journey. And

Heidi Rome:

knowing God and feeling purpose here and choosing us as as his

Heidi Rome:

family and choosing to have challenges. And I said, Why, why

Heidi Rome:

did you choose to have challenges, I will be greatly

Heidi Rome:

rewarded in eternity. And then ultimately, the thing that

Heidi Rome:

really, to answer your question, finally, that changed my life. I

Heidi Rome:

said, Well, what can we do to help you on this journey? And he

Heidi Rome:

responded through the typing, you just have to love me. And

Heidi Rome:

that is your job, the rest is my job to do. So that was such an

Heidi Rome:

awakening Howard, I had spent all these years trying to fix

Heidi Rome:

him. And he wasn't broken. Wow, he was on a different path. And

Heidi Rome:

I just needed the mom needed to learn, let go the control freak

Heidi Rome:

thing, stay in my lane. He's not broken, be his guide, be his

Heidi Rome:

companion. You know, to love does not mean live his life. For

Heidi Rome:

him. It means to nurture and guide and protect and educate

Heidi Rome:

and take care of and love. But it doesn't mean take over and

Heidi Rome:

live his life for him. And that realisation changed everything

Heidi Rome:

for me.

Howard Brown:

I want to tell you that deeply powerful, deep

Howard Brown:

transformation. And just amazing that he was able to you know, at

Howard Brown:

least you communicate that to you with the typing a little

Howard Brown:

bit. Now, current day now if he's still in that residential

Howard Brown:

school.

Heidi Rome:

Yes, yes, he's 17. And he can he can stay there

Heidi Rome:

until he's 22. So, and I'm already starting the process,

Heidi Rome:

though, since he will need to leave there, at some point,

Heidi Rome:

looking for a place just like it but for severely autistic

Heidi Rome:

adults, so that's in to be found or to be created, but one way or

Heidi Rome:

the other, he will have what he needs.

Howard Brown:

And you go see him because he's not able to talk on

Howard Brown:

the phone or you can actually have to FaceTime with him right?

Howard Brown:

Or as well,

Heidi Rome:

we do we do we actually Skype with him. Every

Heidi Rome:

week he has an aide, you know, support him with it. Verbally he

Heidi Rome:

doesn't have much language. So on on FaceTime, we we talk about

Heidi Rome:

the next time we're going to visit him and we're going to eat

Heidi Rome:

and he's going to get a hamburger.

Howard Brown:

Okay, but he sees you. And yes, yeah. And he knows

Howard Brown:

you guys. Oh, that's yes. We're just amazing story. Thank you

Howard Brown:

for sharing. I'm taking it all in, it's very important that,

Howard Brown:

you know, you really talked about your transition and your

Howard Brown:

changes that you needed to make. Not that you were doing it right

Howard Brown:

or wrong, there's no right or wrong. But that that actual

Howard Brown:

realisation, that realisation it's really powerful that you

Howard Brown:

were able to do that. And so wow, I'm just telling you, it's

Howard Brown:

really incredible that you get it you should be applauded,

Howard Brown:

because I will tell you that when I was younger, you know,

Howard Brown:

coming through cancer the first time I went through fairly

Howard Brown:

quickly. Okay, getting diagnosed in October of 89. And first

Howard Brown:

coming out in August of 89 and getting off treatment, you know,

Howard Brown:

January of basically 1990 I ended up I'm sorry, 91. I ended

Howard Brown:

up moving to California and rebuilding my life again. And

Howard Brown:

putting Humpty Dumpty back together again is my say version

Howard Brown:

one Oh, and I did I got confidence I got I was 135

Howard Brown:

pounds of bald I played lots of basketball. My career started to

Howard Brown:

take shape. I met my wife Lisa was doing a lot of volunteerism

Howard Brown:

in the Jewish community raising funds becoming a big brother,

Howard Brown:

and things started to click Right. And then, you know, my

Howard Brown:

miracle daughter was born in Silicon Valley. And now back

Howard Brown:

here in Michigan. Unfortunately, at age 50, I had no expected

Howard Brown:

foundation that lightning was going to strike twice. And I

Howard Brown:

would get, you know, a colorectal cancer stage three

Howard Brown:

diagnosis and these last seven years to go from cancer to

Howard Brown:

COVID. And then try to build Humpty Dumpty version two all

Howard Brown:

over again. And so the path isn't always linear. And also

Howard Brown:

you have to play the cards that you're dealt. And that's that's

Howard Brown:

the that's that's just what happens in life, no matter how

Howard Brown:

much you talk to God, you know, you've got your, your your

Howard Brown:

vibration, your course that you're following and need to.

Howard Brown:

And it's, it's amazing, you have so much to offer, personally,

Howard Brown:

but also with other folks with autism. But I see how it now

Howard Brown:

relates to changing your perspective and picking yourself

Howard Brown:

up and potentially going in a slightly different direction

Howard Brown:

that makes better or more sense for you.

Heidi Rome:

Well, thank you for that. And your, you know, I

Heidi Rome:

imagine that dealing with a heart truth, there are many

Heidi Rome:

parallels between your story and mine, of course, and one of the

Heidi Rome:

most important pieces is learning to trust yourself. You

Heidi Rome:

know, we're both challenges, whether cancer, autism, divorce,

Heidi Rome:

any anything that life throws at people, we tend to look at

Heidi Rome:

outside authorities for answers, someone out there is smarter

Heidi Rome:

than I am and will know the right thing to do in my

Heidi Rome:

situation. And people will have information for you. And that is

Heidi Rome:

true. And it's good to gather information. But ultimately,

Heidi Rome:

only you can make the choice that's right for you. And to

Heidi Rome:

trust that to really know that is really crucial that we were

Heidi Rome:

born with this ability, this equipment. But the powers that

Heidi Rome:

be well meaning people's school system, ancestors, parents, the

Heidi Rome:

world around us, we get messages saying, Yeah, that's nice, but

Heidi Rome:

listen to others. And ultimately, the real truth of

Heidi Rome:

what's best for us as an individual can only come from

Heidi Rome:

our own heart. And when we remember that we're much

Heidi Rome:

happier, and we start making better decisions.

Howard Brown:

I, I agree with you, and you are in charge of

Howard Brown:

yourself. And self care does equal self love. And I will tell

Howard Brown:

you that one of my biggest lessons, it's in chapter one of

Howard Brown:

my book is that my buddy Bertha Buddha's who came to this

Howard Brown:

country from Lithuania, Poland, could be Ukraine, she drilled

Howard Brown:

into us and again, a couple of things, and she said, you can

Howard Brown:

choose kindness, every single day, you can choose giving and

Howard Brown:

giving to others, and you can choose healing yourself and

Howard Brown:

others every day, those three things she said, if you do all

Howard Brown:

three, those three things every day, that's a pretty good day.

Howard Brown:

And she's right. And so one of the things that I found in my

Howard Brown:

darkness of the to cancer diagnosis and other smaller

Howard Brown:

darknesses you know, call it you know, with jobs or frustrations

Howard Brown:

or other things is that you take the spotlight off yourself for a

Howard Brown:

second and go help someone else. And you've been doing that your

Howard Brown:

whole life with your mom and with your, your husband, your

Howard Brown:

your son and also Ethan. And if you take the spotlight off

Howard Brown:

yourself, it does actually allow you to shine your light on

Howard Brown:

somebody else and have them to offer it, but it does come back

Howard Brown:

to yourself. And you have to be able to make those decisions

Howard Brown:

moving forward. But I think living a good life is actually

Howard Brown:

what you can actually give and you have so many things to give.

Howard Brown:

And I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna we're going to talk about

Howard Brown:

some of those resources in a second. So, this is the part of

Howard Brown:

the show that we do the shining brightly spotlight. So it is

Howard Brown:

shining so brightly on you, Heidi, you know the sun is

Howard Brown:

coming from my screen to your screen and you are shining so

Howard Brown:

brightly. I want you to tell my audience how they can one get in

Howard Brown:

touch with you some of the resources that you have to offer

Howard Brown:

for not just you know, folks dealing with autism but in life

Howard Brown:

and then then end with some some some some wisdom and some

Howard Brown:

inspiration and kick the show back over to meet a close.

Heidi Rome:

Okay, well, the easiest way to reach out to me

Heidi Rome:

is go to my website, which is Heidi rom.com. It has contact

Heidi Rome:

information there to email me reach out as you like and

Heidi Rome:

there's a meditation on there which you know, people tell me

Heidi Rome:

is very soothing. So, I, you know, I invite people to reach

Heidi Rome:

out whoever would like to, and I do have a group. Take a breath

Heidi Rome:

and breathe on on Facebook is the easy, easiest place to go to

Heidi Rome:

access that and we meet every month for a programme called 25

Heidi Rome:

minutes for me To refill our own cup, because as you've just

Heidi Rome:

described, Howard, you know, we have to, we can't give what we

Heidi Rome:

don't have. And we have to fill our own cup, and be kind and

Heidi Rome:

loving and giving and generous to ourselves first, so that we

Heidi Rome:

can then be in a position to help and be of service to those

Heidi Rome:

we love and those around us. And actually, I don't know if you

Heidi Rome:

know this, but the human heart sends blood to itself first.

Heidi Rome:

Before pumping blood to the rest of the body, even we are

Heidi Rome:

designed, we are physically designed to put our own oxygen

Heidi Rome:

mask on first to feed ourselves first, so that we can be all

Heidi Rome:

that we were divinely meant to be, which includes then to be of

Heidi Rome:

service to those, everyone around us, whether it's our

Heidi Rome:

family, friends, community, the planet.

Howard Brown:

And please add your book title and your best

Howard Brown:

selling author. So you have a great book that people should

Howard Brown:

know about.

Heidi Rome:

Thank you so much. Yes, my book is on Amazon, Heidi

Heidi Rome:

Rome. And the author is the author, the title is you just

Heidi Rome:

have to love me mothering instructions from my autistic

Heidi Rome:

child. And the mothering instructions, let me just say,

Heidi Rome:

it's guidance for anyone facing hard things. You know, it's

Heidi Rome:

through the journey of autism. And yet, because it's such a

Heidi Rome:

hard challenge, you can fill in the blank, whatever hard thing

Heidi Rome:

that you're grappling with, I hope that you'll find ease and

Heidi Rome:

guidance and peace you know, from from hearing my story and

Heidi Rome:

they encourage you in your story.

Howard Brown:

It thank you for sharing your light. It's as I

Howard Brown:

said, you as a caregiver, for your mom and for your your son

Howard Brown:

and also your your your your older son and your husband, you

Howard Brown:

are an angel on this earth. It's just amazing what you've been

Howard Brown:

able to do and now to actually offer these opportunities to

Howard Brown:

help others it's beautiful. This is the shining brightly podcast

Howard Brown:

show. I'm Howard Brown, you can reach me at shining brightly.com

Howard Brown:

And you'll find my speaking you'll find the information

Howard Brown:

about the book, the podcast, which is what you're listening

Howard Brown:

to right now and my advocacy. And so I just think that you

Howard Brown:

know come in interact with me and come listen to this show it

Howard Brown:

you are a gem This is such a great episode people are gonna

Howard Brown:

learn and and really, really take this to heart and hopefully

Howard Brown:

they'll reach out to you and connect with you as well. So

Howard Brown:

thank you for being here.

Heidi Rome:

Thank you so much, Howard.