10 Ways to Say Thank You | David Crumm

Howard Brown: 00:00:09

Welcome to the Shining Brightly show. I'm Howard Brown author, speaker, Silicon Valley entrepreneur, international peacemaker, and yes to time stage for cancer patients, survivor and advocate. Each episode will take you from resilience to hope, and a whole lot more. Because shining brightly does make the world a better place. Be prepared to be inspired.

Howard Brown: 00:00:37

Hello, welcome to shining brightly. Howard Brown, your host extraordinaire. I'm so delighted David Crum. My editor, my publisher from front end publishing is here with me today. Just so great to have you, David. Welcome.

David Crumm: 00:00:51

Thank you. It's great to be here with you, Howard.

Howard Brown: 00:00:54

So David and I have had this two and a half year journey of, of publishing my memoir shining brightly, and which is coming out soon. We want to talk about a specific area of the book today that I think will help help many. So David, over to you.

David Crumm: 00:01:10

So this book is all about relationships, and how life is so much better how we shine, shine brightly, especially when we're in relationship with others. And one of the things we want to share with readers is 10 ways to say thank you. Now, that may sound pretty simple, right away, you can think of a lot of reasons, and a lot of ways to say thank you. But we're gonna go through and we're going to prompt you with at least 10 things. And these relate to themes you're going to see in the book. So Howard, let's, let's start with number one. And this may sound very simple, but you've actually got to say it right? Of course.

Howard Brown: 00:01:48

So, you know, it's, it's how you say it. And when you say it, the timing matters. And so even if you forget to say it, you can go back and say thank you, you know, a little later, it still matters. And saying thank you more than once also is is a delight.

David Crumm: 00:02:05

So number two, you can write it. Now everybody's got a phone, and with two thumbs, you can be tapping off a text, or you can be sending an email to people. But there's something about committing to paper. Thank you. And how often have you gotten a handwritten card from somebody that you go, wow, when was the last time I got a handwritten card? I'm gonna put this on the mantel, or I'm gonna save this somewhere. Right it? What do you want to say about that? Howard?

Howard Brown: 00:02:33

Well, on Facebook or social media, you can get 1000s of them. And there's the volume. Writing it is a special touch it it really is differentiate you, if you're, you know, have a job interview and you say thank you and you send a handwritten note, you separate yourself, if you write a poem, or if you draw a piece of art, and you write it down and send it and put a stamp on it. I said, it really separates yourself. And it's really heartfelt and great touch. So don't forget to write it.

David Crumm: 00:03:05

So the third one we're going to talk about here is something that I know you're known for Howard, and coming through two plus years of a pandemic. We're just getting to the point now where we can be more comfortable doing this. There's also some rules you need to follow about this. So So Howard talked to us about hugging.

Howard Brown: 00:03:28

So I think it's the missing art for during the pandemic and also for for those immune compromised and dealing with cancer or other malaise. I will tell you that hugging is one of my favorites. And listen, fist bumps, high fives and cigs are all great, but there's nothing like bringing it in for a big old hug to say thank you. I miss it. And we're getting back to it Huggins coming back strong.

David Crumm: 00:03:54

You know, we were just talking about hugging this week because we're gradually coming through some of the depths of the pandemic, it probably is still a good idea to maybe ask somebody if you can hug them or just make sure that you're okay to hug them is that how do you handle that?

Howard Brown: 00:04:12

I would actually say is it okay to get Are you know, are you hugging right now, and if they're not, and they're fist bumping are the social distancing. Politeness always matters and wins. So, you know, if you're not hugging, you can hold your hand up and say no, thank you. That's okay. But hugging for a thanks, boy, you know, bring it in and get an embrace.

David Crumm: 00:04:32

So number four in the 10 ways to say thank you. When we when we start talking about this, people are going to begin nodding their heads as they're watching this video. And it's something that I love about your book. From the very first chapter of your book. There are memories of food, food as part of love and relationship. You remember the smells the tastes, there are food stories. This is not a book about food, but there are food stories sprinkled through this whole book, food, feed the person. Talk a little bit about that in your life Howard making food sharing food. Fact in the I think it's in the very last chapter there's a wonderful story about sharing food in your neighborhood.

Howard Brown: 00:05:17

Yes, she's saying thank you bye bye food or feeding is, is again an amazing way to show your appreciation. My my neighbor is Albanian and she's a single mom and I actually cut her lawn and do some yard work for her. Our lawns aren't that big. And I get thanked with a loaf of sourdough bread, Albanian sort of bread from her mom. And it is amazing with a special type of dip or sauce in there. And that's it's just so nice. Every once in a while I get a knock on the door and Lisa soda bread, which is unique and crusty, and it's great. I will tell you this, that when I was in our need and going through chemotherapy and surgeries, we had food chains coming from my daughter, Emily's soccer team, from the school girls high school from people all over the place, not just sending food but sending gift cards. And so sending food helped us because we didn't have to worry about a meal. And it's it's just so gracious. And that's a really great way to say thank you.

David Crumm: 00:06:22

So number five on our list is a little bit related to what we just talked about. But it's broader than that. And it's give. So how are giving and giving gifts is something that I mean, there are centuries of people who've written about the importance of giving gifts as a way to say thank you. What are the best gifts you can give in your experience? How are Europe? You're somebody who has expressed love and thanks for gifts for many, many years. What are some of the best gifts? How do you how do you think about what gift to get or gift people?

Howard Brown: 00:06:53

Sure, I think if you make it personal Babson College alumni office sent me a Babson basketball shirt, a basket, a blanket, a monogram blanket that was so soft and comfy. Obviously, you know, candy and flowers are in a fruit basket are certainly good old, you know, reliable ones. But you really think about it. I had one of my Babson alumni friends and Hastings, she sent me Boston Celtics piston tickets, and she flew in to come to the game. That was the kicker. So you can get real creative with giving. And as long as it's personal, that was the the basketball tickets really hit the mark on me and just brought my spirits up. But I also got quotes and little pieces of art to cheer me up and, and things like that. So it was you get creative, and giving, you know, small gifts or large gifts are always a treat.

David Crumm: 00:07:45

So I want to ask you a little more about that, as you're giving one. There's a lot of debate about whether it's appropriate to give gift cards, or whether that's, you know, kind of a cheap, you know, I'm not really shopping for the person, I'm just giving them a gift card. On the other hand, those can be really nice gifts, particularly you mentioned to choose the food you want with the gift cards gift, how do you feel about gift cards as gifts for people,

Howard Brown: 00:08:10

I am grateful for that gift. When you get to choose your own food meal or for shopping or whatever you need. I still think it's wonderful. It is absolutely an appropriate gift. And it allows you the flexibility and freedom to do what you want. And just share appreciation for anyone that sent us gift cards in our times of need.

David Crumm: 00:08:32

So one more question about giving. You've had an experience through your life, where people have made gifts to other places in your name, they've made like a donation somewhere in your name. And you've done that too. You've given gifts, not directly to the person but in their name. Talk a little bit about that. What's that experience like? And do you recommend it?

Howard Brown: 00:08:52

I do. So I go down, you know, back home when my daughter was born and people planted trees in her name. It was so beautiful. It's such a great gift. I actually learned how to accept gifts and my college buddies and high school friends started the GoFundMe and and people gave to me in my time of need. But also I've had gifts to charities, the cola colon cancer charities that have been made in my name as well. And that is just a special justice special and I greatly greatly appreciate it.

David Crumm: 00:09:25

So so our halftime recap here is our first five are say it, write it, hug, feed, give. Now we're gonna get into some others that I think are equally important. And the number six is remember. Now this is this is a big theme in your life. And there are stories in your book about how you and your wife Lisa and your whole family have have taught the importance of remembering, particularly milestones, birthdays, you remember I go and you show up at funerals you show up at weddings, you show up because you remember the milestones. Talk a little bit about that. And you're like,

Howard Brown: 00:10:07

I think people are grateful when you remember that. So, in the Jewish religion, we light a candle. It's a memory candle, a yahrtzeit candle, the year anniversary of a person's death. And all you have left is their memories. So that commemorating that memory is a way of saying thanks as well. We're big on singing Happy Birthday over the phone. We, we actually use video on vid hug to remember people and, and recorded because we couldn't gather during COVID. So there's so many ways to remember someone and give your thanks for small and large things that they've been kind and kindness and done for you.

David Crumm: 00:10:46

You know, one of the talking about remembering the moments and the milestones in the what's going on in other people's lives, you've got a really cool thing that you've done for years. And it's as Shabbat is coming, which for the Jewish community is Friday night and Shabbat is coming. You've got some people who will just check in with you, sometimes just with a phrase on your phone to talk about that.

Howard Brown: 00:11:13

Wow. So young leadership cabinet through the Jewish Federations in North America, I am very happy that I met some really amazing men around the country. And we always wish each other a good Shabbos or Shabbat Shalom, which is a peaceful Shabbat heading into Friday evening and Saturday. And we've now done this for over 20 years, many of us and we just send a text now. And then sometimes there's a joke or there's other stories or other family events or keeping up to date. But the consistency of doing that every Friday afternoon leading into the Sabbath is just amazing longevity. And I can't remember not doing it and missing a Friday with a handful of guys from the young leadership cabinet. It's beautiful.

David Crumm: 00:12:00

So number seven on our list is presence. Not we've already talked about gifts, it's not giving presents its personal presence. This is a big theme in your life. There are times when you were suffering that you wanted people around you some of the some of the most inspiring stories in your book are about people who actually physically went there and spent time with that person saying thank you by actually showing up with personal presence. Talk a little bit about that.

Howard Brown: 00:12:33

So there's so many ways of the personal presence. And now we're all you know, we're talking on Zoom. And it's different. I will tell you that I had people a couple of different times during the different cancer episodes that you know, I called and they flew in David Herman flew in from Florida, to sit with me, when I had non Hodgkins lymphoma, my whole troop of guys, my Framingham boys with a Z, they all flew in when things were really dark for me and just cheered me up the entire weekend, it was a little crazy. But I will tell you that people that just ask you for coffee, you put your phone down, you stare at each other and you focus for the time that you're having coffee is really a great way to say thank you. And I appreciate all that from a coffee meeting to people getting on an airplane flying to come see me. So your presence is that thankful present?

David Crumm: 00:13:22

Yeah, I can think of two or three stories in your book, where years ago, somebody said thank you to you or felt appreciated to have enough of you that they actually showed up for a coffee or a breakfast. And there are some of those memorable stories that you've you remembered for years, just the fact that they showed up and had coffee with you or they had breakfast with you. I mean, there's a story in the book about years ago, you having coffee with Craig Newmark of Craigslist to talk over ideas or, or a venture capitalist who agreed to have breakfast with you one morning and actually, you know, showed up and sat across the table from you. Let me ask you one more question about presence. I think sometimes people are a little worried about presence, because they say, you know, they ask, What am I going to say? What am I going to do? What are your tips about that?

Howard Brown: 00:14:10

Well, first of all, be being being just authentic, you know, being natural. If the, if someone would come and ask me how I'm doing and I really didn't want to go into the gory details. I would say, I'm not doing great. Let's talk about you. I'd flip the I'd flip this, flip it and just say, You know what? My gory stuff isn't matter. I'm hanging in there. I'm fighting through it. But quite frankly, I'd rather let's talk about the good stuff happening in your life and flip the script a little bit. But being in person that takes a real commitment, because people's time is such so valuable. And but it is so important, and it's a great way to say thank you.

David Crumm: 00:14:51

You know, I'm gonna add a tip here. I think presence I think this is one of the big themes in your book about making the effort to actually show up presence, personal presence, one of the things that I do when I'm visiting somebody, and I'm not quite sure what we're going to talk about, or I don't want the script to be one of our authors, Benjamin Pratt, who writes guide for caregivers refers to it as the organ recital, you sit down and you feel you have to have your whole spend your whole time going over what's wrong with each organ in your body, you know, so to kind of flip the script, I'll often show up with a book, or a column or something, and I'll say, Hey, would you like me to read do and some of the most memorable visits I've had with people, there wasn't much to do or say, in those moments of presence, I can still remember the the last day of my father's life, I brought a Robert Frost book, and he said, Read frost to me. And so for an hour, I read Robert Frost. So it's, you know, something you can do, if you're going to have presence, and you're going to have some awkwardness about what you're going to say it's something to think about, I

Howard Brown: 00:15:57

actually had a couple more very similar, David, is that I had to build up my strength again, and taking the dog for a walk. And having someone walk with me, was always a really great thing. Because you're walking, you're moving, you're seeing nature, depending on where you're walking, then that was always great that that having one or two companions, where we're walking, and it just it's different from a coffee talk across the table, it was loose and great. And, you know, you felt you're walking and getting to know each other and, and finding out how things really are. So that was really great. I know, there's a saying that 90% is just showing up. But I like to actually show up with a purpose show up with some action. And it's just an amazing way to say thank you.

David Crumm: 00:16:42

So you've already anticipated number eight here, which is get moving. Yeah. You know, so presence, you go you pay a visit, get moving, I think is stands alone as an important way to say thank you to people, because you're going to say, I'm going to make the effort to get there, I'm going to physically spend time with you. And together, we're going to get moving. And you point out how important it is sometimes to take that walk, there's a marvelous story in your book about you and your daughter climbing a mountain in the in the Caribbean, when really, that'd be physically you shouldn't actually been doing that. But you did it anyway. There's something magical about when we're saying thank you, when we're expressing our appreciation to people doing it through movement getting moving, you want to talk a little more about that?

Howard Brown: 00:17:33

Well, I will, I will say that a couple of magical things that happen when you're repairing yourself from from trauma, and this goes across the board. keeping hydrated, trying to stay positive, but not all the time. But keeping moving, keeping the blood going. It's really, you know, healthy for you. And so climbing that mountain was extraordinary. I hurt for five days after but I accomplished it. And I did it with my daughter and I was set out and determined to do it. And it's just a magical memory and time that we spoke to, you know, spent together. I've got friends here that drag me to the gym. You don't have to drag me to the basketball court. But you know, when I was needed it, most people came and grabbed me a couple of times, we just went for a ride and just looked at looked at the water. And so all of that works, get creative again and and get moving. It's the healthy and the right thing to do sedentary life, not not a good thing.

David Crumm: 00:18:34

So number nine on our list is one that I know has been huge in your life. And I try to remember this in my own life too. I think it's a real important one. When we want to say thank you to express our appreciation to someone you can serve. Number nine is serve. You can think of it as you could do service for a nonprofit, you could serve that person in their community and family. Talk about some of the ways that you've said thank you to people through the years by by actually making sure you spend time serving.

Howard Brown: 00:19:12

Sure. So I've done a lot of community and nonprofit service for Babson College and the Jewish community and interfaith community in the cancer worlds. And that is giving of myself my time and my efforts to help fundraise get awareness out especially with colorectal cancer to go get screened, but personal stories in my book, I had people do some very remarkable things in my honor. And so my college roommate he ran the Boston Marathon and raised a ton of money for lymphoma and leukemia for in memory of Mark Levine his his high school friend and in honor of me is college friend going through lymphoma. I had another gentleman these are athletic examples. Run the Ironman Triathlon, Andy Wheeler. And I have the Bibb to prove it. And then David contour of Hebrew free loan he, he wrote the pan mass challenge and the monies went to Dana Farber for cancer research, extraordinary acts of service in my honor. And quite frankly, I've done the same as well for others in the past. And it's just a beautiful thing to say thank you by service. And, you know, through the the now what book on on Aging, sitting with someone you know, and the elderly and, and doing something for them to go shop and get their groceries, that service, there's so much kindness in the world, we need to keep accentuating and keep multiplying,

David Crumm: 00:20:39

you know, to two characters, their real life people, but vivid characters people we'll meet in your book, are Kim and Vincent. And they're both people who you never would have known except for the fact that they had life threatening cancer. And when they needed it most there were people who did pretty much all the things we've just said people who said, Thank you, people who wrote to them, who hugged them, who brought them food, who gave you know, they did all these things to support them. And they helped them get through and survived cancer. And so how did they say thank you to all those people, while they think those people but then they went on and they serve, they did it for others? And Kim and Vincent did some heroic stuff for you. I mean, like middle of the night calls and all sorts of stuff. And then one of the ways you said thank you to them was you're doing what they did, right?

Howard Brown: 00:21:30

So I've called it cancer whispering and you know, in a deafening world whispering you gotta lean in and listen. Vincent's in the Netherlands, Europe, and for him to you know, talk me through some, some some some really tough times with chemotherapy in surgeries and recovery. Kim is in Pennsylvania. Yeah, there were some two in the morning calls when things weren't going right, that they actually offered their phone number and they call back and they gave gave comfort and instruction and that cancer was spring is passed on. And it's a part pay it forward as well. But it's service, what we do, and a lot of people do in the cancer world or other world where people are dealing with lots of life threatening illness and, and depression or any any type of thing like that. We pay it forward by talking to people that are few steps behind us. I just talked to a professor at the University of Michigan that started chemotherapy on Friday, and I talked to him the day before. And I've been checking in with him every single day, and how he's doing and supporting him and trying to be positive as well as answer questions. And the people that came before me, Kim, and Vincent and many others, and the people that I'm helping now afterwards and continue to do so it's a great way of service. And it's a great way to say thank you and give back. So as

David Crumm: 00:22:51

we come to number 10, I'm gonna give you a quick recap here, say it, right it, hug, feed, give, remember, presents, get moving serve. And now we come to the last one, I think this is in many ways, really one of the most powerful lessons of this book. And it's tell others, it's one thing to think the individual you you you appreciate. It's another you know, you can you can then give your presence you can you can focus on them. It's a whole transformative experience to tell others that you're thankful for this person. And in some ways, the whole structure of your book is a testament to telling others as a way to express things to individuals into the world. We want to talk a little bit about that.

Howard Brown: 00:23:44

Absolutely. A couple examples. So Martin Davis wrote, you know, 30 days with America's high school coaches, and so graciously picked my coach filmer Raizy and I got to say thank you to him via writing a chapter response, and the things that he taught me, you know, growing up as a as a high school teenager, that was one way. There's, there's, there's lots of other ways to tell him this besides taking two and a half years over COVID and writing a book. But when you speak of others and share their stories, it's really important. When you speak you know highly of someone that that that you respect that you love and that you care about, and you're telling their story to others to offer either inspiration or advice. And the book has a ton of mentorship in there. I'm telling the story of a young 10 year old boy that his father wasn't in the picture, my little brother Ian Ellis, and the amount of sheer love that you know, we've now been paired for over 30 years, and he had his first baby. And I think he'll carry some of the traditions that we did onto his his new son noble. It's just amazing. And in the cancer world, we teach people how to use their voice They need to use their voice. And I'm using my voice via my book and my podcast and also on speaking engagements to share my voice. And not that I actually want anyone to walk in my shoes and deal with the chemotherapy, the surgeries, the side effects, I never want that. But I want them to be inspired, I want them to when they get knocked down, get lifted up, lifted up again, and that you can do it. And it's a hard world we live in, especially with COVID, especially with all the stuff going on in this world. Sometimes it's very difficult to get back up again. But everyone has it within them to do it. It might take a little longer, or a few few few baby steps backwards, but we can all get back up again.

David Crumm: 00:25:42

Yeah, this last one telling others, I think is so powerful, as a journalist all my life and now as the publisher for 15 years, one of the experiences I've enjoyed most is people will contact me and say, I'm mentioned in so and so's book, so and so tells the story about me. I'm in the book, they told my story, they remembered and told others about me. And one of the initial comments in the early reviews of the draft of your book is people say, Oh, he's he's, as he tells these stories. He's so gracious. He thinks people by name. And, you know, it's so easy to say, oh, a lot of people helped me, it's another thing to take a moment. And as you're telling that story to somebody say five people helped me with this, and here are their names. And as we were preparing your book, we actually went in and we made sure their names were spelled correctly that we were correctly identifying them. We we spent a lot of a lot of time making sure we told others about people in an accurate way. And I I just think that's, you know, as we're going through all these ways that you can say thank you, you can say it you can write it you can hug you can feed you can give you can remember you can give presents, you can get moving, you can serve this one of remembering people's stories and telling them to others. That's one of the reasons I wake up every morning and do this work. That's one of the reasons I've been thrilled to work with you on this book. Thank you so much for all you've taught me about saying thank you, Howard, in the course of preparing this book.

Howard Brown: 00:27:18

Well, David, when people listen and watch this podcast, they'll be able to go to shining brightly.com and share how they've seen Thank you, I'd love to hear from the readers and, and hear very creative ways of how they're saying thank you. It's just, it's not a lost art. It just needs to, we need to just keep keep up the cadence and keep being grateful and thankful for others. And I am thankful for you and the publishing house and the team behind me and shining brightly will be out in coming very, very soon. And I just hope that it will touch people's lives in ways that we probably haven't even heard of. And I'm grateful for anyone that'll pick up a copy and read it and give us feedback on on my life's journey. The roller coaster ride that I've been on, I think they'll find it interesting, inspirational. And I just that's that's my hope in putting myself out there and putting my story out there in the world.

David Crumm: 00:28:09

You know, one of the unique things that you did in this book is every chapter ends with a call to action, there's something you can do. It's right. If you feel moved, if you feel inspired, and you will throughout this book, there's something you can do. And you just mentioned something he said, Go to shining brightly. website and share with us how you said thank you to people. And you know, if you're not a writer, you don't have to write an extensive story. You can maybe just show us a photograph. I mean, share a photograph, and we're going to share those things over social media. We want to tell other people we'd really like to get this kind of national conversation going about these fun and creative ways that maybe you've said thank you to somebody. So I really hope that they will and in addition to your website we work with read the spirit magazine, we can share some of those great ideas there we we really one a tidal wave of thankfulness to be coming out of this book. So thanks to thanks for your time today to talk about all this Howard

Howard Brown: 00:29:01

now. Thank you for coming on. And it's this in shining brightly does make the world a better place. We're building a movement and I'm grateful for you and thanks for coming on. What a great session on the 10 ways in different ways to say thank you. Thank you.