Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself with Candace Plattor

Howard Brown: 00:00:03

Hello, welcome to the Shining Brightly show. This

Howard Brown: 00:00:05

is your host with the most Howard Brown. Oh man, we are

Howard Brown: 00:00:09

going to shine today. It's amazing. It's sunny. We have

Howard Brown: 00:00:12

springtime here in Michigan. And we have our lovely guest,

Howard Brown: 00:00:16

Candice platter. And oh my god wait to hear her story of

Howard Brown: 00:00:20

overcoming. It's amazing. Candice, welcome from what?

Howard Brown: 00:00:23

Vancouver? Washington?

Candace Plattor: 00:00:26

Yeah. Vancouver Canada. The most beautiful place

Candace Plattor: 00:00:29

in the world. I think, hello, everyone's,

Howard Brown: 00:00:32

oh, my goodness. Well, I got introduced to

Howard Brown: 00:00:36

Candice via Michelle Abraham, who is also in Vancouver,

Howard Brown: 00:00:40

Canada. And this story, I have to tell you, I watched her

Howard Brown: 00:00:45

videos and a TEDx talk, which we'll get into. And you are a

Howard Brown: 00:00:50

thriver survivor, a warrior, a hero, all of that super woman.

Howard Brown: 00:00:56

I'm just telling you, I I can't I first I don't even know how

Howard Brown: 00:01:01

you do it. So we got to learn how you did that. So let me

Howard Brown: 00:01:03

introduce you. And then you're going to fill in some blanks.

Howard Brown: 00:01:05

All right. Candace Plattor is the author of loving addict

Howard Brown: 00:01:09

loving yourself. Top 10 survival tips for loving someone with an

Howard Brown: 00:01:13

addiction. And you know this from personal experience,

Howard Brown: 00:01:17

because you were diagnosed with Crohn's disease, and they had no

Howard Brown: 00:01:20

idea how to treat that. So that's a story. So they started

Howard Brown: 00:01:23

giving you lots of medicines and pills and oxycodone and Demerol

Howard Brown: 00:01:29

and Valium. All the stuff which you took to you even actually

Howard Brown: 00:01:33

then took to marijuana and alcohol. So you've lived a

Howard Brown: 00:01:36

little bit there and and had to survive that. And you also

Howard Brown: 00:01:42

graduated from the other School of Professional Psychology, you

Howard Brown: 00:01:45

have a master's degree, you have private practice, and you have

Howard Brown: 00:01:48

clients. And I just, I mean, I want you to fill in the blank

Howard Brown: 00:01:52

stare, tell me what I missed, tell people in my audience what

Howard Brown: 00:01:55

they should know more about you.

Candace Plattor: 00:01:58

Well, I will say that I'm going to be 36

Candace Plattor: 00:02:02

years clean and sober in July, so I'm 35 years clean. And I'm

Candace Plattor: 00:02:10

an addictions therapist now working specifically with

Candace Plattor: 00:02:14

families that are dealing with somebody's addiction that are

Candace Plattor: 00:02:18

grappling with this and don't know what to do. And that's who

Candace Plattor: 00:02:22

I predominantly work with. And I've been doing that for the

Candace Plattor: 00:02:25

last three decades. Now we hear news that there's an opioid,

Candace Plattor: 00:02:29

opioid epidemic in our countries. And I want you to

Candace Plattor: 00:02:33

speak to that in a second. So first of all, I have to take a

Candace Plattor: 00:02:38

quick pause and say, Oh, my God, hell yeah. 36 years clean. Oh,

Candace Plattor: 00:02:44

my God in July. Amen, sister. It's incredible. That is

Candace Plattor: 00:02:49

amazing. I just want to acknowledge that because that is

Candace Plattor: 00:02:53

not a small achievement. That is a lifetime of work. That is a

Candace Plattor: 00:02:56

lifetime of work. Yes.

Howard Brown: 00:02:59

All right, tell worse and worse every minute.

Howard Brown: 00:03:02

Absolutely. Tell my audience something we that not everybody

Howard Brown: 00:03:05

knows about you something different.

Candace Plattor: 00:03:09

I think that there are a few things. But the

Candace Plattor: 00:03:12

one that I will tell you is that I saw the Beatles twice in

Candace Plattor: 00:03:19

person.

Howard Brown: 00:03:20

That is cool

Candace Plattor: 00:03:21

Yeah, once in 60, 65 or 65. In Atlanta,

Candace Plattor: 00:03:29

Georgia, once the year later in Toronto.

Howard Brown: 00:03:35

That's awesome. I can't tell you how many times I

Howard Brown: 00:03:37

saw the Grateful Dead so we won't go there, by the way. And

Howard Brown: 00:03:39

if you're on the video side of things, you have a beautiful art

Howard Brown: 00:03:43

piece of a butterfly behind you. It's you can't mistake it. It's

Howard Brown: 00:03:46

just gorgeous.

Candace Plattor: 00:03:47

maybe we can talk about what the butterfly

Candace Plattor: 00:03:49

means. To me anyway. Yeah,

Howard Brown: 00:03:52

let's look No, let's start there. What is the

Howard Brown: 00:03:53

butterfly mean to you?

Candace Plattor: 00:03:56

Oh, well, you know, most, okay, firstly, the

Candace Plattor: 00:04:00

butterfly starts off as a caterpillar. And the caterpillar

Candace Plattor: 00:04:06

gets no respect at all. The caterpillar, you know, goes

Candace Plattor: 00:04:12

along the ground and boys love to squish it and little girls

Candace Plattor: 00:04:16

love to shriek and say .... And, and teachers like to dissect it

Candace Plattor: 00:04:22

and biology class. And this is the life of a caterpillar

Candace Plattor: 00:04:27

through thought a caterpillar has an instinct and the instinct

Candace Plattor: 00:04:32

they know that if they don't change, they're going to die. So

Candace Plattor: 00:04:38

they shimmy up a tree trunk and onto a branch and they hang

Candace Plattor: 00:04:43

upside down and they create the sack of what I like to call bug

Candace Plattor: 00:04:47

juice. And they sit in their own bug juice, which could be kind

Candace Plattor: 00:04:53

of related to addiction recovery where we're sitting in our own

Candace Plattor: 00:04:56

bunk juice, and they sit in their bug juice, And they

Candace Plattor: 00:05:01

basically changed their entire DNA almost completely. The only

Candace Plattor: 00:05:07

thing that's left is this part here. You can see it the middle

Candace Plattor: 00:05:11

part. This is the caterpillar, that's the caterpillar. But it

Candace Plattor: 00:05:15

changes everything else and it grows these amazing wings on it

Candace Plattor: 00:05:18

turns into this beautiful, amazingly fragile, but strong,

Candace Plattor: 00:05:25

vulnerable but amazing creature. And when it's absolutely ready,

Candace Plattor: 00:05:31

out comes the butterfly from the bug juice. And nobody says, ewe,

Candace Plattor: 00:05:39

a butterfly. Everybody says, ah, a butterfly. And the, you know,

Candace Plattor: 00:05:46

the way I relate to it is that I was a caterpillar for a very

Candace Plattor: 00:05:50

long time. And I have now been a caterpillar a butterfly for

Candace Plattor: 00:05:55

quite a long time as well. And it's not negotiable for me, I am

Candace Plattor: 00:05:59

not going back to caterpillar.

Howard Brown: 00:06:03

I love the way that we started the show. That

Howard Brown: 00:06:06

transition. Thank you for that. And again, let's all be

Howard Brown: 00:06:10

butterflies as much as we can and not go back to being Oh,

Howard Brown: 00:06:13

yes, another pillar. So I love it. So all right, well, we gotta

Howard Brown: 00:06:16

go back back and talk about this. All right. Did you

Howard Brown: 00:06:21

yourself know? Oh, you have a butterfly coffee mug? Did you

Howard Brown: 00:06:24

know you are you did you know you are you are an addict.

Candace Plattor: 00:06:30

I didn't know that I was an addict until about

Candace Plattor: 00:06:35

15 years into an opioid addiction. That was just

Candace Plattor: 00:06:40

devastating. And that was brought on by prescribed

Candace Plattor: 00:06:44

medication for my Crohn's disease. I had no idea was an

Candace Plattor: 00:06:49

addict addiction wasn't on the radar at that time. It really

Candace Plattor: 00:06:52

wasn't nobody was talking about addiction in the mid 70s In the

Candace Plattor: 00:06:56

mid 70s, or 80s. So what happened for me is that I

Candace Plattor: 00:07:02

reached the bottom and they talk about people reaching their

Candace Plattor: 00:07:05

bottom. My bottom was pretty low. I was using all kinds of

Candace Plattor: 00:07:11

substances that were depressants in the human system. And I

Candace Plattor: 00:07:16

became so depressed, not knowing why I mean, I had this really

Candace Plattor: 00:07:22

difficult physical illness that I was dealing with sick so much

Candace Plattor: 00:07:27

of the time. But on top of that, like psychically, I was really

Candace Plattor: 00:07:33

depressed. And I got to a place where I really wasn't sure I

Candace Plattor: 00:07:38

wanted to live anymore. And I remember one night, standing in

Candace Plattor: 00:07:44

my apartment, I had my bottle of pills, because I had so many

Candace Plattor: 00:07:48

pills, I could easily kill myself and I had a plan and I

Candace Plattor: 00:07:52

was going to time it so nobody would find me. And I was

Candace Plattor: 00:07:55

starting to scare myself if you know. So I had this bottle of

Candace Plattor: 00:07:59

pills in one hand, and the phone in the other hand, and I called

Candace Plattor: 00:08:04

the Vancouver crisis centre. And somebody on that, on the other

Candace Plattor: 00:08:10

end of the line, listened to me, respected me and helped me see

Candace Plattor: 00:08:17

that I had a choice about this. I didn't have to continue to use

Candace Plattor: 00:08:21

all these drugs. And it was just amazing. But I I wasn't done

Candace Plattor: 00:08:27

yet. And I signed myself into a psych ward for about a month. So

Candace Plattor: 00:08:33

that because I was afraid if I had my clothes to have my car

Candace Plattor: 00:08:36

keys, I didn't know what I was going to do to myself. And I

Candace Plattor: 00:08:40

needed to be under some supervision and to get some

Candace Plattor: 00:08:43

counselling to get some help. So I did that. And while I was in

Candace Plattor: 00:08:50

there, I heard about Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics

Candace Plattor: 00:08:54

Anonymous, I had no idea what those were. I had no idea was an

Candace Plattor: 00:08:57

addict. That was your initial question. No, I didn't know I

Candace Plattor: 00:09:03

was an addict. But I soon found out that I was knowing that for

Candace Plattor: 00:09:08

me was the best thing that I could ever find out because then

Candace Plattor: 00:09:14

I knew what was going on and I knew I could do something about

Candace Plattor: 00:09:18

it. So you know some people don't like it. If you call them

Candace Plattor: 00:09:21

addicts, you're labelling them you're stigmatising them all

Candace Plattor: 00:09:24

that stuff. I don't. I don't buy into that. I think that's just a

Candace Plattor: 00:09:28

way of avoiding self responsibility. For me. I was

Candace Plattor: 00:09:32

really glad to know I was an addict. Because then I could

Candace Plattor: 00:09:37

become an addict in recovery, then I could become not an

Candace Plattor: 00:09:41

addict.

Howard Brown: 00:09:43

Yeah, I listen. I'm a two time stage four cancer

Howard Brown: 00:09:46

patient, survivor and advocate. It's who I am. It's part of me.

Howard Brown: 00:09:51

It's part of my journey. It's the cards I've had to play. So

Howard Brown: 00:09:53

you know, label or not, I'm a cancer. I'm a cancer patient for

Howard Brown: 00:09:56

the rest of my life and I have been twice so I you know I

Howard Brown: 00:10:00

wanted to so you know you so now you bottom you reach bottom, you

Howard Brown: 00:10:04

talked about that. And then also, you said that you didn't

Howard Brown: 00:10:07

know you were an addict until you got some supervision and

Howard Brown: 00:10:10

some some education now, and one of the questions how do you know

Howard Brown: 00:10:14

someone you love isn't addict for the you know anyone out

Howard Brown: 00:10:17

there in the Listening world or the watching world out there?

Howard Brown: 00:10:19

Who How do you know that what is something that they can look

Howard Brown: 00:10:23

for?

Candace Plattor: 00:10:26

There are many signs, you know, in terms of

Candace Plattor: 00:10:28

people changing their behaviours and doing things differently

Candace Plattor: 00:10:34

that can let you know that somebody's got a drug problem.

Candace Plattor: 00:10:38

Really, what, what the industry says is that the only person

Candace Plattor: 00:10:44

that can really say whether they're an addict is oneself.

Candace Plattor: 00:10:47

And I kind of agree with that. I think that's, that's something

Candace Plattor: 00:10:51

that we all come to in our own time. But if you think that

Candace Plattor: 00:10:55

somebody in your life has a problem with drugs, you're

Candace Plattor: 00:10:59

probably right. And what you're looking for is changes in

Candace Plattor: 00:11:05

behaviour. are they hanging out with different kinds of people?

Candace Plattor: 00:11:11

Are they isolating? are they losing jobs? They can't keep

Candace Plattor: 00:11:16

jobs, depending on how old the person is, you know, if it's a

Candace Plattor: 00:11:20

youth, are they are they changing their friend group,

Candace Plattor: 00:11:24

it's their are their grades going down? Are they not coming

Candace Plattor: 00:11:27

home and curfew? You know, there's a lot of things that you

Candace Plattor: 00:11:30

can be looking for. But mostly, temperament is going to change.

Candace Plattor: 00:11:36

Emotionally, you know, they're going to start being much more

Candace Plattor: 00:11:40

reactive in most cases, or very isolative, and not wanting

Candace Plattor: 00:11:45

anything to do with anyone. So you're looking for the changes

Candace Plattor: 00:11:50

in what's happening. Most people know whether they've got an

Candace Plattor: 00:11:54

addict on their hands. And an addiction isn't just drugs and

Candace Plattor: 00:11:59

alcohol addiction is video games, that they play into the

Candace Plattor: 00:12:04

night and can't go to school or work the next day, gambling,

Candace Plattor: 00:12:09

porn, there's just so many, there are so many things that we

Candace Plattor: 00:12:13

can use as addiction. Really, addiction is a symptom, it's

Candace Plattor: 00:12:22

really only a symptom of what's underneath it, what's causing

Candace Plattor: 00:12:27

it, what's going on for the person, what's really happening

Candace Plattor: 00:12:30

for that person, and a few love and addict then you're kind of

Candace Plattor: 00:12:35

in the same place where you have to look at what you need to do

Candace Plattor: 00:12:38

what you need not to do, and what's going on for you

Candace Plattor: 00:12:42

underneath to so that

Howard Brown: 00:12:44

Yeah, the family member as as part of your

Howard Brown: 00:12:46

practice, the family member and the or the caregiver or the

Howard Brown: 00:12:49

partner, the friend also needs to actually get some, some

Howard Brown: 00:12:52

coaching some education in order to be able to live and deal with

Howard Brown: 00:12:57

this. So one of the questions why why do you why do why do

Howard Brown: 00:13:00

people go down the path of addiction? And then this is the

Howard Brown: 00:13:03

secondary question, is that? Are you born with it? Or is it it's

Howard Brown: 00:13:07

something that just life throws at you and you use that as a

Howard Brown: 00:13:11

survivorship or survival technique?

Candace Plattor: 00:13:14

Yeah, what you're born with it, you know,

Candace Plattor: 00:13:16

the scientists haven't been able to prove that yet. And I've been

Candace Plattor: 00:13:20

waiting for that for for like, three, five years, to see

Candace Plattor: 00:13:23

whether they could come up with that. Because we don't know

Candace Plattor: 00:13:26

whether there's a genetic predisposition. We don't know

Candace Plattor: 00:13:30

that scientifically. But you know, when people grow up in a

Candace Plattor: 00:13:35

home where there's addiction, you learn what you live. And,

Candace Plattor: 00:13:40

and usually children go one of two ways. They either they

Candace Plattor: 00:13:44

either drink their first sip of beer when they're five, and just

Candace Plattor: 00:13:49

keep going, you know, because it was left out at the last party.

Candace Plattor: 00:13:55

Or they never touch this. They never touch it. Because they see

Candace Plattor: 00:14:00

what it's done to their parents or to other people. The reason

Candace Plattor: 00:14:07

that people use addiction is to feel different. Most people use

Candace Plattor: 00:14:16

addiction to feel better. They don't feel good about

Candace Plattor: 00:14:19

themselves. They don't like their lives. They want to escape

Candace Plattor: 00:14:22

from that. They use it to feel better. Some people who don't

Candace Plattor: 00:14:27

believe that they deserve to live any kind of happy life,

Candace Plattor: 00:14:31

even under the influence, use it to feel worse about themselves

Candace Plattor: 00:14:35

and to really build trip themselves and cripple

Candace Plattor: 00:14:38

themselves that way. But really, it's because we don't feel good

Candace Plattor: 00:14:44

about ourselves. We don't feel good about our lives, and we

Candace Plattor: 00:14:47

don't know what else to do about that. And it's the same with

Candace Plattor: 00:14:51

families when families have somebody with addiction. They

Candace Plattor: 00:14:57

don't know what to do about that either. So the family Is have to

Candace Plattor: 00:15:00

learn what to do and what not to do.

Howard Brown: 00:15:03

Yeah, and they need to learn those or else that

Howard Brown: 00:15:07

life can be pretty dark. And then bad things can happen,

Howard Brown: 00:15:11

right? Bad things can happen. And that's where learning to

Howard Brown: 00:15:16

grab on to a little bit of light to be able to turn it around.

Howard Brown: 00:15:19

And again, it's not easy, not easy to do to get back up again,

Howard Brown: 00:15:23

for sure. Now, you also, you state that addiction is really a

Howard Brown: 00:15:29

choice.

Howard Brown: 00:15:31

So what would you What do you mean by that?

Candace Plattor: 00:15:35

Well, what I don't mean by that, I'll start.

Candace Plattor: 00:15:38

I'll start there. First, what I don't mean is that people choose

Candace Plattor: 00:15:42

to become addicts. I don't think anybody chooses to become an

Candace Plattor: 00:15:46

addict. I don't think anybody says, Yeah, let's do that.

Candace Plattor: 00:15:50

That'll be fun. You know, nobody says that. I shouldn't say that.

Candace Plattor: 00:15:55

But once we're in active addiction, I can tell you, as an

Candace Plattor: 00:16:00

addict, that we know what we're doing to ourselves. Even if

Candace Plattor: 00:16:05

we're high as a kite, we know what we're doing to ourselves.

Candace Plattor: 00:16:09

And we also know what we're doing to the people who love us

Candace Plattor: 00:16:13

to the people around us. Once we're an active addiction, we

Candace Plattor: 00:16:18

have a choice about whether to stay in addiction, or whether to

Candace Plattor: 00:16:23

come out of addiction and go into some kind of recovery. And

Candace Plattor: 00:16:27

those of us who are in recovery, like myself, every one of us

Candace Plattor: 00:16:32

knows that we are in recovery, because we are making a choice

Candace Plattor: 00:16:37

every day. Sometimes every nanosecond, you know, of the

Candace Plattor: 00:16:43

day, to stay clean and sober, to stay away from whatever the

Candace Plattor: 00:16:47

addiction is, we're making a choice to do that, or we

Candace Plattor: 00:16:51

wouldn't be in recovery. And many people. Well, I don't know

Candace Plattor: 00:16:55

if it's many people, but enough people to mention it, you know,

Candace Plattor: 00:17:00

can have years of sobriety and then relapse, and they make a

Candace Plattor: 00:17:06

choice to go back into addiction. It's, you know,

Candace Plattor: 00:17:09

whether you think about it as a disease, which I don't, because

Candace Plattor: 00:17:13

I have a disease, and I know the difference between addiction and

Candace Plattor: 00:17:17

something like Crohn's or cancer, whether they see it that

Candace Plattor: 00:17:21

way, which is how they see it and 12 Step programmes, or

Candace Plattor: 00:17:25

you're looking at a genetic predisposition, or something

Candace Plattor: 00:17:29

else, underneath all of that. Addiction is a choice, you

Candace Plattor: 00:17:35

either are in addiction, or you choose not to be in addiction.

Candace Plattor: 00:17:40

And it's really that simple. It's not easy. not always an

Candace Plattor: 00:17:45

easy choice to make, but it's a simple choice, you are either in

Candace Plattor: 00:17:50

addiction or in recovery.

Howard Brown: 00:17:54

in different forms, destructive escapism,

Howard Brown: 00:18:01

looking to get out of pain is that all of the above

Candace Plattor: 00:18:05

all of the above all the above. And, and,

Candace Plattor: 00:18:08

and a lot of people start their addiction through pain, through

Candace Plattor: 00:18:12

physical pain, and the prescribed medications like I

Candace Plattor: 00:18:16

was, you know, when I was when they started prescribing these

Candace Plattor: 00:18:20

meds to me it was in the early 70s. They didn't know better, I

Candace Plattor: 00:18:25

don't think they did. You know, in the doctor's defence, really,

Candace Plattor: 00:18:29

we weren't talking about addiction. I don't think anybody

Candace Plattor: 00:18:32

thought about it. They just wanted to help this young woman

Candace Plattor: 00:18:36

who was coming into their office and crying all the time. That's

Candace Plattor: 00:18:40

what they wanted to do. So they gave me all this medication over

Candace Plattor: 00:18:43

and over and over and over for years. But the problem is that

Candace Plattor: 00:18:49

they're still doctors are still doing this. And now they know

Candace Plattor: 00:18:54

better. And they're still doing this. So a lot of people, you

Candace Plattor: 00:18:57

know, they've had an accident or something's happened to them.

Candace Plattor: 00:19:01

And they're in a great deal of physical pain, and that's real

Candace Plattor: 00:19:05

for them. And they're prescribed Oxycontin, or something like

Candace Plattor: 00:19:09

that, and they start using it. Wow, did they ever feel better?

Candace Plattor: 00:19:15

Yeah, I keep using it. And there are other ways that people can

Candace Plattor: 00:19:19

deal with pain. I just want to say that because I'm still in

Candace Plattor: 00:19:23

pain. I'm in pain with Crohn's disease. I you know, it's like

Candace Plattor: 00:19:28

your you'll always be a cancer survivor. I will always have

Candace Plattor: 00:19:31

Crohn's it doesn't have it doesn't have a cure, or there's

Candace Plattor: 00:19:35

no known cause there's no known cure. So, you know, you learn

Candace Plattor: 00:19:40

how to deal with it in a different way. And that is

Candace Plattor: 00:19:42

possible.

Howard Brown: 00:19:43

Yeah, no, I acquired stage three peripheral

Howard Brown: 00:19:46

neuropathy. I have burning in my fingertips and numbness in my

Howard Brown: 00:19:48

hands and feet and toes and it's a life it's a lifelong thing and

Howard Brown: 00:19:52

they you know, what they did? They want to give me Lyrica,

Howard Brown: 00:19:55

Gabapentin. Oh try acupressure, acupuncture. Nothing is worked,

Howard Brown: 00:19:59

And I I'm breathing and I'm alive, but it's something that I

Howard Brown: 00:20:02

am coping with and dealing with and trying to carry forward. And

Howard Brown: 00:20:06

I fully understand that. I'm really glad that you mentioned

Howard Brown: 00:20:09

other types besides just drug addiction, gambling, smoking,

Howard Brown: 00:20:12

drinking, or alcoholism, pornography video, because we're

Howard Brown: 00:20:18

coming out of we're coming out of the pandemic. And, yeah, I

Howard Brown: 00:20:22

like to say that it's okay not to be okay. Because everyone's

Howard Brown: 00:20:26

not okay. Everyone's emotional well being has been jilted.

Howard Brown: 00:20:30

Because we were restricted, we had to decide whether we're

Howard Brown: 00:20:33

taking a vaccine or not taking a vaccine. We couldn't go

Howard Brown: 00:20:35

anywhere. We wanted it all the times. Were now some working

Howard Brown: 00:20:39

from home, some are working back at the office, some are hybrid.

Howard Brown: 00:20:42

We've changed and, and also people I will mention this is

Howard Brown: 00:20:46

that people did not go get their checkups in their screenings.

Howard Brown: 00:20:49

And me as a as a cancer patient says, Go get your screenings

Howard Brown: 00:20:52

right now, timeout, go get your mammogram, go get your prostate

Howard Brown: 00:20:55

check, go get your cardio, go to the dentist, go get your

Howard Brown: 00:20:58

colonoscopy go get checked. So because a lot of people skip

Howard Brown: 00:21:02

them, but the big one right now, and I look at it from our

Howard Brown: 00:21:06

younger, younger people's kids. Boy, they lost a lot. They

Howard Brown: 00:21:10

didn't go to school, they had to learn on this zoom thing. And

Howard Brown: 00:21:13

boy, are they setback, but emotional well being I have a 21

Howard Brown: 00:21:17

year old now. And so I see things through her eyes. And

Howard Brown: 00:21:20

it's a digital world that they live in. And, boy, emotionally,

Howard Brown: 00:21:25

everyone's trying to get back on track. More Than Ever After this

Howard Brown: 00:21:28

after we've all lived through. So

Candace Plattor: 00:21:32

an addiction really, really rose during

Candace Plattor: 00:21:36

during the pandemic. In so many ways. Food is one of the ways

Candace Plattor: 00:21:41

that that addiction, you know, people ate their way through

Candace Plattor: 00:21:44

during the pandemic. None of us knew whether we were going to

Candace Plattor: 00:21:48

survive. Let's keep eating chocolate. What the hell, you

Candace Plattor: 00:21:51

know? So? No,

Howard Brown: 00:21:53

yeah, let's buy all the toilet paper off the

Howard Brown: 00:21:55

shelf at the supermarket. So no one else can have them. I'm

Howard Brown: 00:21:58

joking. I don't want to make light of it. Because this is a

Howard Brown: 00:21:59

very serious tone. You're right, yeah. 100%. Now, let me let me

Howard Brown: 00:22:04

tell you able to turn the corner. And now you're, you

Howard Brown: 00:22:07

know, I'm gonna call you a noted expert here. But you've you have

Howard Brown: 00:22:12

you wrote a book loving an addict and loving yourself one

Howard Brown: 00:22:15

of four books. And you have a top. Yeah, show you can show.

Howard Brown: 00:22:19

Yeah, we're gonna feature that in the show notes and the link

Howard Brown: 00:22:22

to it, people can go get a copy. And so you have 10 Top survival

Howard Brown: 00:22:26

tips, could you pick out a couple of the most important

Howard Brown: 00:22:28

ones and share them?

Candace Plattor: 00:22:30

Yeah. I think I think I have three favourites.

Candace Plattor: 00:22:38

And I'll just one of the first one is that you can't change or

Candace Plattor: 00:22:47

you can't control or fix another person. So stop trying. That's

Candace Plattor: 00:22:52

the first one. And there's a quote for every tip that I have,

Candace Plattor: 00:22:57

from different people. And for this for this tip. It's from

Candace Plattor: 00:23:01

Robert Heinlein. I don't I don't know if everybody knows who he

Candace Plattor: 00:23:04

was. He was a brilliant science fiction writer. He wrote so many

Candace Plattor: 00:23:09

books, but Stranger in a Strange Land was one of his books. And I

Candace Plattor: 00:23:14

always felt like a stranger in a strange land. So I really liked

Candace Plattor: 00:23:17

it. Anyway, he, his quote is never try to teach a pig to

Candace Plattor: 00:23:23

sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig.So, you know, we

Candace Plattor: 00:23:31

can't change anybody else what we, if you've got an addict in

Candace Plattor: 00:23:35

your life, you can't make them stop using you can't make them

Candace Plattor: 00:23:39

stop. What you can do is you can make it much more uncomfortable

Candace Plattor: 00:23:45

for them to continue doing it. And this is what I help family

Candace Plattor: 00:23:49

members learn about. So. So the next one is learn the difference

Candace Plattor: 00:23:55

between helping and enabling. So that that tip is probably the

Candace Plattor: 00:24:01

most important one in the book. So enabling, an enabling

Candace Plattor: 00:24:08

behaviour is one that keeps an addict stuck in their addiction.

Candace Plattor: 00:24:14

So it's like giving money to an attic. You know, all mom I need

Candace Plattor: 00:24:18

20 bucks. So mom says okay, well what's 20 bucks, so give them 20

Candace Plattor: 00:24:24

bucks and we know where that money is gonna go it's gonna go

Candace Plattor: 00:24:27

down his throat up his nose and his arm, you know? And, and if

Candace Plattor: 00:24:31

we can, money is not the only way that people enable an

Candace Plattor: 00:24:35

addict. But it's probably the biggest way that they do and and

Candace Plattor: 00:24:40

if you're, if you're letting an addict an act of addiction, live

Candace Plattor: 00:24:45

in your family home and use or drink in your family home and be

Candace Plattor: 00:24:49

obnoxious and punch holes in the walls when he's angry or, you

Candace Plattor: 00:24:53

know, if you're going to continue to let them live there

Candace Plattor: 00:24:56

rent free. That gives them more money for their addiction,

Candace Plattor: 00:25:00

you're maybe doing their laundry, you're buying the

Candace Plattor: 00:25:03

groceries and cooking their meals. Don't do that. Don't do

Candace Plattor: 00:25:08

that. So this book tells you how to stop enabling, because you're

Candace Plattor: 00:25:13

just contributing to keeping the addict stuck. Why should they

Candace Plattor: 00:25:18

change? And enabled addict does not recover? Because really, why

Candace Plattor: 00:25:24

should they, they've got it going on, they got it made,

Candace Plattor: 00:25:28

except for the fact that they hate themselves. So what you

Candace Plattor: 00:25:32

want to do is learn how to actually help, how to set

Candace Plattor: 00:25:37

boundaries, with consequences, that means something to the

Candace Plattor: 00:25:41

addict. And the most important message to give an addict, the

Candace Plattor: 00:25:48

addict that you love, families need to love their addicts, but

Candace Plattor: 00:25:54

they need to be healthy when they do that. The message is, we

Candace Plattor: 00:25:59

love you so much. And because we love you so much, we're not

Candace Plattor: 00:26:06

going to support you in your addiction anymore. We don't want

Candace Plattor: 00:26:10

to see you in addiction. It's a horrible life for you, it tears

Candace Plattor: 00:26:15

us apart, watching you do this to yourself. So we're not going

Candace Plattor: 00:26:21

to support your addiction, when you're ready to be in recovery,

Candace Plattor: 00:26:26

then come to us, let us know that and we'll be there for you.

Candace Plattor: 00:26:30

But if your choice is to continue to use, or drink, or

Candace Plattor: 00:26:35

stay in the basement and watch video games, or or or if that's

Candace Plattor: 00:26:40

your choice, we are not going to support that anymore. And it's

Candace Plattor: 00:26:43

because we love you not because we don't, it's not a punishment,

Candace Plattor: 00:26:49

it's to help you get well. So most of the kinds of helping

Candace Plattor: 00:26:55

behaviours that need to happen, that families need to learn how

Candace Plattor: 00:26:59

to do so that they're addicts make a different choice.

Howard Brown: 00:27:03

Wow, powerful. Just I'm taking notes. There's,

Howard Brown: 00:27:07

I mean, I have to tell you, you're helping not only speak to

Howard Brown: 00:27:10

me and educate my audience, I don't have a lot of experience

Howard Brown: 00:27:15

in this area. But I do mentor and have coaching clients for

Howard Brown: 00:27:19

survivorship, a lot of cancer patients, but they're, it's this

Howard Brown: 00:27:24

is helpful for me because I'm learning and I want to

Howard Brown: 00:27:26

incorporate some of this into into into how I lead and teach

Howard Brown: 00:27:29

and live. I out of your book, you actually talk about the

Howard Brown: 00:27:34

importance of self care for those who are in relationships

Howard Brown: 00:27:37

with addicts, I'd love you to expand on that. Because I think

Howard Brown: 00:27:40

it's important we we hear self care bounded about but it means

Howard Brown: 00:27:43

something. And you're going I want you to tell if

Candace Plattor: 00:27:46

it really does. And it was going to be the third

Candace Plattor: 00:27:48

tip that I was talking about. So I'm glad you brought it up. So

Candace Plattor: 00:27:52

the chapter on self care, it's called know that self care does

Candace Plattor: 00:27:57

not equal selfish. Because a lot of people get that one confused.

Candace Plattor: 00:28:02

If I take care of myself, I'm being selfish. No, you're not.

Candace Plattor: 00:28:06

And you're being healthy, and you're being exactly the way you

Candace Plattor: 00:28:10

need to be, especially if you have an artist in your life. So

Candace Plattor: 00:28:14

I like to talk about the analogy that everybody's heard that, you

Candace Plattor: 00:28:18

know, when you're on the aeroplane, the steward of the

Candace Plattor: 00:28:23

flight attendant comes on the microphone and says, If we hit

Candace Plattor: 00:28:27

that turbulence, you know, the masks gonna drop down. And they

Candace Plattor: 00:28:31

always say, put your own mask on first. Right? Because if you

Candace Plattor: 00:28:37

don't put your own mask on first, you're trying to get the

Candace Plattor: 00:28:42

mask on a baby or somebody who's second invalid, or somebody's

Candace Plattor: 00:28:48

very old or something like that. You're trying to help them

Candace Plattor: 00:28:52

first, you're going to be on the floor of the plane, not able to

Candace Plattor: 00:28:56

breathe, right? So you need to make sure that you're breathing

Candace Plattor: 00:29:00

first, and then you help them. it's really tempting to do it

Candace Plattor: 00:29:05

the other way around. And a lot of people who love addicts are

Candace Plattor: 00:29:10

putting the addicts first there putting the addicts needs first

Candace Plattor: 00:29:15

is the worst thing you can do. You need to be a different kind

Candace Plattor: 00:29:19

of role model. You need to have your own life, go golfing, do

Candace Plattor: 00:29:25

what you love to do, and, and role model that for the addict

Candace Plattor: 00:29:31

to be to have the addict be the centre of your life is not good

Candace Plattor: 00:29:37

for them. It creates an entitlement in them, and it's

Candace Plattor: 00:29:42

not good for you. So self care. You know, when we think about

Candace Plattor: 00:29:46

self care, there's the four pillars of self care. So there's

Candace Plattor: 00:29:50

physical and mental and emotional and spiritual, and

Candace Plattor: 00:29:56

it's really important to know how to take care of yourself in

Candace Plattor: 00:30:00

all of those ways. So in my book, I talk about all of those

Candace Plattor: 00:30:04

ways to do that.

Howard Brown: 00:30:06

I have to tell you, we're like kindred spirits,

Howard Brown: 00:30:08

because in my book, I talked about finding your happy place

Howard Brown: 00:30:12

for self care. Mine happens to be the basketball court, but I

Howard Brown: 00:30:14

could care less if it's cooking, hiking, jogging, travelling,

Howard Brown: 00:30:17

music, yoga, it's all good. And then I agree with you, if you

Howard Brown: 00:30:21

don't lift ourselves up, how can you actually lift up others and

Howard Brown: 00:30:25

you're constantly lifting up the addict at the expense of your

Howard Brown: 00:30:29

own needs, and my caregiver wife gave up everything to help take

Howard Brown: 00:30:33

care of me and my daughter and gave up her needs. So our

Howard Brown: 00:30:36

caregiving and family members, they pay a price. And I think

Howard Brown: 00:30:39

that's what you're saying.

Candace Plattor: 00:30:41

But you know, the people who are being

Candace Plattor: 00:30:43

caretaken, also pay a price. Because there's a certain amount

Candace Plattor: 00:30:49

of resilience that we all have. And even people who are sick,

Candace Plattor: 00:30:54

have resiliency and we need, I mean, I've been very sick in my

Candace Plattor: 00:30:58

life. And I, I needed to develop myself and know that there were

Candace Plattor: 00:31:02

things I could do for myself. Maybe I was limited, I was much

Candace Plattor: 00:31:07

more limited than I am today. But I could still do things for

Candace Plattor: 00:31:11

myself. If I had had somebody who always did everything for

Candace Plattor: 00:31:15

me. I don't know if I'd be sitting here with you today.

Howard Brown: 00:31:19

I hear you and I'm with you. You have to take some

Howard Brown: 00:31:23

ownership some some own responsibility and

Howard Brown: 00:31:26

accountability for yourself and make this step forward and

Howard Brown: 00:31:29

inadequate stay want to choose to stay in that addiction in

Howard Brown: 00:31:33

that world. And until they make that choice to get help and get

Howard Brown: 00:31:36

recovery. It's kinda like just knocking your head up against

Howard Brown: 00:31:39

the wall. You're gonna get a big headache for as the family

Howard Brown: 00:31:43

member or caregiver. Alright, so I got those feel, but it does

Howard Brown: 00:31:46

feel really good when you stop. Yeah, against the wall. It does.

Howard Brown: 00:31:51

It does. Absolutely. Even if you put an ice pack on it to help

Howard Brown: 00:31:53

you. I got a big this is this is a question that can anyone can

Howard Brown: 00:31:59

you really ever get over addiction?

Candace Plattor: 00:32:03

Absolutely. I am living proof that you can get

Candace Plattor: 00:32:06

over addiction. All you have to do is make different choices

Candace Plattor: 00:32:10

every day. You have to want it. There's a you know what, there's

Candace Plattor: 00:32:16

a saying in 12 Step programmes, there's so many great sayings.

Candace Plattor: 00:32:20

One of them is you gotta wanna, you got to wanna, you got to

Candace Plattor: 00:32:25

want it. If you want recovery, you can have recovery. If you

Candace Plattor: 00:32:30

don't want recover, you want to stay in addiction. I feel for

Candace Plattor: 00:32:34

you. I've been where you are, I understand. But, you know,

Candace Plattor: 00:32:39

there's not a whole lot I can do for you, except change some of

Candace Plattor: 00:32:44

the things that I'm doing if I'm in relationship with you. It

Candace Plattor: 00:32:48

sounds like you know, you know, I agree with you that and I

Candace Plattor: 00:32:51

asked that question not 100% knowing the answer, but you're

Candace Plattor: 00:32:54

living intentionally meaningfully absolutely

Candace Plattor: 00:32:58

intentional. I love that. Yeah,

Howard Brown: 00:33:00

that was the word that was the word that came to

Howard Brown: 00:33:02

me. This, I have to tell you, I'm the student here and this

Howard Brown: 00:33:06

and this podcast today. With you, Candace, and the service

Howard Brown: 00:33:11

that you provide are vital. i What was it like giving a TEDx

Howard Brown: 00:33:15

talk? Was that the coolest? Was that? Just excited?

Candace Plattor: 00:33:19

You know, it was so exciting. I was so

Candace Plattor: 00:33:27

nervous. I've told the story before I was waiting in the

Candace Plattor: 00:33:40

wings to have my name called to go out. if anybody's interested

Candace Plattor: 00:33:54

in doing a TEDx talk, I would look into it and do it. If it's,

Howard Brown: 00:34:03

I'm planning on that for myself. It's on my list

Howard Brown: 00:34:05

to do and I'm gonna do it. And it's really, really important. I

Howard Brown: 00:34:07

if it's a passion for you, if you've got something to say, if

Howard Brown: 00:34:09

watched your TEDx talk, I'm going to include it in the

Howard Brown: 00:34:11

shownotes and on when I when we publicise the episode, I think

Howard Brown: 00:34:15

it's incredible for you that you've done that some major

Howard Brown: 00:34:17

kudos and accomplishment so I want to applaud you. So we're

Howard Brown: 00:34:21

all right, we're gonna head down to the shining brightly moment.

Howard Brown: 00:34:21

you've got a message, to help people think about something in

Howard Brown: 00:34:24

For those of you on audio I'm putting on my white and gold

Howard Brown: 00:34:27

glasses that are reflecting beautifully off the butterfly

Howard Brown: 00:34:30

enough of Candace, you are in the shining, brightly spotlight.

Howard Brown: 00:34:33

I want people to know how they should best get in touch with

Howard Brown: 00:34:34

a different way. Go for it.

Howard Brown: 00:34:36

you, and then give some final comments and we're going to take

Howard Brown: 00:34:39

the show home.

Candace Plattor: 00:34:41

Okay. So my business is called love with

Candace Plattor: 00:34:44

boundaries, because we need to love and we need to love with

Candace Plattor: 00:34:49

boundaries, otherwise we get stomped on. So

Candace Plattor: 00:34:52

lovewithboundaries.com is the website, please go to the

Candace Plattor: 00:34:56

website. If you go there and you sign up for my newsletter, then

Candace Plattor: 00:35:01

you can get a free report. That's called the seven tips to

Candace Plattor: 00:35:06

outsmarting your addiction. So if you've got an addict in your

Candace Plattor: 00:35:10

life, you can maybe give it to them and have them read it after

Candace Plattor: 00:35:15

you read it. By the way, my book is not for the addict, please

Candace Plattor: 00:35:20

don't find my book thinking we're gonna give it to the

Candace Plattor: 00:35:24

addict. Addicts hate my book. This is for you the loved one,

Candace Plattor: 00:35:28

they get really mad at me because I'm talking about

Candace Plattor: 00:35:32

boundaries. And you know, addicts don't like hearing the

Candace Plattor: 00:35:37

word no. So don't give my book to an addict. So, so loving and

Candace Plattor: 00:35:41

loving an addict Loving Yourself is my book

Candace Plattor: 00:35:45

lovewithboundaries.com is my website, we offer a 30 minute

Candace Plattor: 00:35:49

free, absolutely no strings attached consultation, we

Candace Plattor: 00:35:53

usually do it on Zoom. We're International, we've got clients

Candace Plattor: 00:35:58

from so many different places in the world. And if you are

Candace Plattor: 00:36:02

thinking that you would like to have some help, if you're even

Candace Plattor: 00:36:07

thinking about it, get in touch with us. If you're thinking

Candace Plattor: 00:36:11

about it, it means that you've been through the wringer

Candace Plattor: 00:36:15

already, you don't want to do this anymore, you want to find

Candace Plattor: 00:36:20

out how to make this stop for you, and it can stop, it can

Candace Plattor: 00:36:24

definitely get better. So you can get in touch with us on the

Candace Plattor: 00:36:29

website, there's a link to a questionnaire that you fill out

Candace Plattor: 00:36:33

as soon as we get the question or we'll get in touch with you.

Candace Plattor: 00:36:38

And I think we'll give you I'll give you that for your show

Candace Plattor: 00:36:43

notes as well.

Howard Brown: 00:36:44

I appreciate that.

Candace Plattor: 00:36:46

So there's no obligation if you want to work

Candace Plattor: 00:36:49

with us you do if you don't want to work with us, you don't.

Candace Plattor: 00:36:54

Those people who are ready and follow the suggestions that we

Candace Plattor: 00:36:58

have. The results are just astounding.

Howard Brown: 00:37:01

Well, I got to tell you website, you actually

Howard Brown: 00:37:04

have seven tips, okay, and you can get a free 30 minute

Howard Brown: 00:37:07

consultation. Whether you're the addict or the family member, I

Howard Brown: 00:37:12

have to tell you, this is a valuable resource. Kenneth, I

Howard Brown: 00:37:15

want to thank you. This is not a topic that I am that I'm much

Howard Brown: 00:37:19

more educated now. And I'm just thrilled because we're going to

Howard Brown: 00:37:23

help a lot of people together today just by actually speaking

Howard Brown: 00:37:27

for these 30 minutes. And so yeah, so thank you. And I love

Howard Brown: 00:37:31

that said the butterfly story that started us well, it will

Howard Brown: 00:37:35

take us out, we're all going to kind of try to be butterflies as

Howard Brown: 00:37:39

much as possible. So you can get Howard Brown and

Howard Brown: 00:37:42

shiningbrightly.com You can find my book, you can book me to

Howard Brown: 00:37:46

speak on a podcast on a stage or actually even find this podcast.

Howard Brown: 00:37:50

And if we shine brightly just a little bit each day, we actually

Howard Brown: 00:37:54

can make the world a better place for ourselves, for others

Howard Brown: 00:37:58

and for our communities. Thank you. Thank you, Candace, you've

Howard Brown: 00:38:02

been a beautiful guest and what a great, great show today.

Candace Plattor: 00:38:05

Thank you. Howard, bye everyone.