Episode 46

Are You Motivating Yourself or Bullying Yourself? With Kalyani Pardeshi

Episode Summary – “REJECTION AND REDIRECTION AND DON’T QUIT – PIVOT” – In Episode 46 of the Shining Brightly Podcast Show (links in the comments) – “Are you motivating yourself or bullying yourself?” – I am joined by Kalyani Pardeshi, TEDx speaker, the only certified Flowcess trainer in Canada and the best-selling / award winning author of UNBULLIED. What is a Flowcess trainer and coach? What is the difference between the inner critic and self-bullying? Get your Inner Critic Awareness Exercise as a FREE GIFT - PDF Download.  As we set goals, we must learn how to differentiate between bullying yourself and using a true growth mindset for achievement. Please come listen, download, review and share this amazing show!

Mentioned Resources

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kalyani.pardeshi

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kalyani-pardeshi/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kalyanispeaks049/

Book - https://tinyurl.com/UnBullied-Book

Inner Critic Awareness Exercise

– FREE GIFT - PDF Download

https://www.kalyanispeaks.com/_files/ugd/0e1f3a_a4f77bcc4d0f437a813071b8150c25ea.pdf

Website: https://www.kalyanispeaks.com/

About the guest

Kalyani Pardeshi is a TEDx speaker, the only certified Flowcess trainer in Canada and a multiple award-winning author. She teaches people how to stop bullying themselves by discovering their Uniqueness and mastering their thought processes. Kalyani has collaborated with the Calgary Military Family Resource Centre to conduct her comprehensive six-week self-bullying intervention course. She has delivered informative presentations for parents and teens, focusing on the topic of self-bullying and presented a compelling talk on Uniqueness to Excuses to Connect which centered around the exploration of one's individuality, uncovering their Intangible Drivers, and overcoming obstacles to embrace one’s authentic self. She has also presented a thought-provoking talk to the Inclusive Leadership in a Virtual World on Unraveling the Illusion of Motivation: The Dark Side of Inspirational Quotes exploring unseen self-bullying behaviors from seemingly positive messages. She was invited to speak at TEDxCalgary tackling the topic of navigating the fine line between self-motivation and self-bullying.

About the Host:

Howard Brown is a best-selling author, award-winning international speaker, Silicon Valley entrepreneur, interfaith peacemaker, and a two-time stage IV cancer survivor. He is also a sought-after speaker and consultant for corporate businesses, nonprofits, congregations, and community groups. Howard has co-founded two social networks that were the first to connect religious communities around the world. He is a nationally known patient advocate and “cancer whisperer” to many families. Howard, his wife Lisa, and daughter Emily currently reside in Michigan, and his happy place is on the basketball court.

Website

Http://www.shiningbrightly.com

Social Media

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/howard.brown.36

LinkedIn - https://wwwlinkedin.com/in/howardsbrown

Instagram - @howard.brown.36

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#self #bullying #underdog #pollyanna #goalchaser #flow #books #author #bestseller #tedx #growth #mindset #coaching #motivation #education #inspiration #podcast #download #share #shiningbrightly

Transcript
Howard Brown:

Hello, it's Howard Brown. It's the shining brightly

Howard Brown:

show. It's that time of the week where we're going to motivate,

Howard Brown:

educate and inspire you. And today is just an amazing day. We

Howard Brown:

have Kalyani Pardeshi you're with me from Canada. I'm so glad

Howard Brown:

you're here. How are you?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I'm good. How are you?

Howard Brown:

I'm just so excited to because I met you

Howard Brown:

through Dr. Marian, Dr. Z. And I have to tell you, when we first

Howard Brown:

spoke, you educated me. I actually had no idea if you're

Howard Brown:

motivating yourself or bullying yourself. And you just brought a

Howard Brown:

whole new light to me and I want to learn and I want to be

Howard Brown:

educated. And we're going to talk a lot about that today. But

Howard Brown:

first, let me tell folks about who you are just a little bit

Howard Brown:

you'll fill in after that. So tell Yanni a TEDx speaker, I

Howard Brown:

actually just finished listening to it, you'll click that link.

Howard Brown:

It'll be in the show notes. It's amazing. You are the only

Howard Brown:

certified flow says trainer you'll have to explain what that

Howard Brown:

is in Canada, multiple award winning author, and you teach

Howard Brown:

people how to stop bullying themselves are going to repeat

Howard Brown:

that stop bullying themselves. And you're going to uncover that

Howard Brown:

for us by discovering their uniqueness and mastering their

Howard Brown:

thought process. you've collaborated with the Calgary

Howard Brown:

Military Family Resource Centre, you produce a self week self

Howard Brown:

bullying intervention course. It's amazing. You help parents

Howard Brown:

and teens, actually on the topic of that the uniqueness to

Howard Brown:

excuses to connect. Oh my god, you do so many good things.

Howard Brown:

Here. You have something about inclusive leadership and the

Howard Brown:

virtual world unravelling the illusion of motivation. The Dark

Howard Brown:

Side of inspirational quotes exploring the unseen self

Howard Brown:

bullying behaviours, from seemingly positive messages. We

Howard Brown:

got to uncover all this great stuff here because you have some

Howard Brown:

cool themes here we want to talk about fill in. And before we

Howard Brown:

actually dive into the first question about you know who you

Howard Brown:

are, where you're from, how you got here. What's something you

Howard Brown:

want to share that we may not know about yet?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Hey, cooking, so I'm Eastern. Yeah, we are

Kalyani Pardeshi:

supposed to love cooking. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. If I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

could hire someone to do this for me. Please let me know.

Howard Brown:

Well, we can always order, you know, DoorDash

Howard Brown:

or the delivery services or they actually have a services there

Howard Brown:

during COVID. Right? They they almost prepared all your food.

Howard Brown:

20 minutes, do a little prep, and you're on your way. So Oh,

Howard Brown:

you're not a cook. That's all right. It's you got to do what

Howard Brown:

you love not not not not not have to fight that. So but your

Howard Brown:

kids want to add

Kalyani Pardeshi:

sorry, that just want to add, even though I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

don't like cooking, I make really good food for my kids. So

Kalyani Pardeshi:

don't enjoy

Howard Brown:

it, but they're fed. So the kids are fed. Let's

Howard Brown:

make sure we got that straightened out. All right.

Howard Brown:

Tell us a little bit more of who you are, and how you started

Howard Brown:

down this path, author TEDx and kind of being this, this coach

Howard Brown:

for unbelieving.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

So basically, I quit my career as a CPA. 13

Kalyani Pardeshi:

years ago, when my son was born, and I spent many years raising

Kalyani Pardeshi:

them. My son had a lot of health issues. So I couldn't go back to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

work. And in 2018, I and I attended an anti bullying

Kalyani Pardeshi:

workshop. And the reason I was there as a volunteer was I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

wanted to see what was different now versus when I was in school

Kalyani Pardeshi:

because I was bullied as a teenager. So what were they

Kalyani Pardeshi:

teaching that was different, and spoiler alert, nothing was

Kalyani Pardeshi:

different. It was the same information. And I developed

Kalyani Pardeshi:

tools and techniques to combat bullying. And I was like, Okay,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

why don't I share this with the world? And I tried many places.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I tried to get in with the organisation that did the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

presentation, they wouldn't have me they made 1000 excuses. So I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

said, You know what, I'm just gonna put it in a book. So I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

wrote a self published a book in 2019. And between 2019 and 2021,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I won three international awards for it. I tried to get this work

Kalyani Pardeshi:

into schools, but I just kept hitting barriers. And last year,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

what happened is my daughter's Junior High School invited

Kalyani Pardeshi:

parents to present on their any topic on their health symposium

Kalyani Pardeshi:

week. So one of the things I discovered while writing my book

Kalyani Pardeshi:

was self bullying. So I said, Hey, are you guys interested in

Kalyani Pardeshi:

this and, you know, I was invited to speak so it was like,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I got my foot in the door. And one thing led to the other and I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

realised that the only way we can stop bullying each other is

Kalyani Pardeshi:

when we stop bullying ourselves. So we need to take that step

Kalyani Pardeshi:

back. So I changed my focus away from anti bullying techniques

Kalyani Pardeshi:

for teens to self bullying tools and techniques for ourselves.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

And that led to you know, presenting with the Calgary

Kalyani Pardeshi:

family, military Resource Centre, inclusive leadership in

Kalyani Pardeshi:

a virtual world excuses to connect and like small groups of

Kalyani Pardeshi:

parents and teens and then my big aha was my TEDx in May this

Kalyani Pardeshi:

year.

Howard Brown:

Congratulations. That's No, that's a huge

Howard Brown:

accomplishment. It's really amazing. So, a flow says

Howard Brown:

trainer, I had never heard that. So what is the flows that I've

Howard Brown:

heard about says, okay, process flows, this

Kalyani Pardeshi:

is a flow cesses, we teach people to flow

Kalyani Pardeshi:

intentionally. A lot of people can be in the flow thought,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

where you see the basically, for thought processes we have,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

according to psychology, we have dysregulation, we have

Kalyani Pardeshi:

regulation, we have self regulation, and then what

Kalyani Pardeshi:

psychology doesn't speak of is flow. And what we teach is how

Kalyani Pardeshi:

people should toggle between flow and self regulation. So you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

are being and performing at your absolute best.

Howard Brown:

Thank you for defining that. I appreciate

Howard Brown:

that. That helps me now. So I actually people are hard on

Howard Brown:

themselves. I do. Two comments. One is that I do a talk called a

Howard Brown:

look in the mirror. And most people don't like what they see

Howard Brown:

in the mirror. If you take a hard look, they too fat too

Howard Brown:

skinny, too tall, you know, not pretty. They don't like their

Howard Brown:

job. They don't like their you know, their situations and stuff

Howard Brown:

like that. Most people are very hard on themselves. And so

Howard Brown:

what's the difference between being an inner critic and self

Howard Brown:

bullying, because there's a delineation here that I want to

Howard Brown:

learn about.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

So the inner critic, when I talk about the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

inner critic, we are somewhat aware of how we speak to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

ourselves. You know, I the one question I like to ask in my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

presentation is, you know, do you feel you're not good enough?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Are you ever hard on yourself? Because you feel you're not good

Kalyani Pardeshi:

enough? And people will say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

But then we're talking about self bullying. I say, Okay, if I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

talk to you about someone who's an overachiever, how do you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

feel? Oh, wow, that's amazing. You know, like, some of that can

Kalyani Pardeshi:

do so much. That's incredible, right? What if I say the word

Kalyani Pardeshi:

underdog to you? What do you think it's like, wow, well, if

Kalyani Pardeshi:

they can do it, you know, no one expected them to win. And they

Kalyani Pardeshi:

won. That means I can do it. If I say to you, what about someone

Kalyani Pardeshi:

who's just like a Pollyanna who's just always happy and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

chirpy? And that what do you think of that? It's like, Oh, I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

wish I could be like that. I don't like my moods and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

feelings. So when I talk about self bullying, I'm talking about

Kalyani Pardeshi:

seemingly positive personas, who are actually bullying themselves

Kalyani Pardeshi:

to achieve what they want to achieve. So I'm going to get

Kalyani Pardeshi:

into this a bit later in the show is that you can still

Kalyani Pardeshi:

achieve what you want to achieve. But you don't have to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

fool yourself into doing it. And I'll give you some examples of

Kalyani Pardeshi:

what that looks like.

Howard Brown:

I appreciate that. So I have to tell you a couple

Howard Brown:

weeks ago, I actually went with my sister and my wife to see the

Howard Brown:

movie Barbie. Did you see the Barbie movie? Are you not made

Howard Brown:

that? That's okay, only it's only done over a billion dollars

Howard Brown:

worth of sales, you know, worldwide and stuff. It's like a

Howard Brown:

big hit. So I went in there, not exactly knowing what I was going

Howard Brown:

to see I went at the last minute. I actually had a GI Joe

Howard Brown:

doll. It was like an army doll. And my sister had Barbie and Ken

Howard Brown:

a couple of them. And all I remember is that they went the

Howard Brown:

clothes came off, you couldn't put them back on again. But I

Howard Brown:

wrote a piece on social media on LinkedIn and even on Facebook,

Howard Brown:

too. And I asked the questions, because it really brought up a

Howard Brown:

lot. Okay, Barbie at first was perfect. Her body image was

Howard Brown:

unrealistic, right? Barbie was always Pollyanna and always the

Howard Brown:

nicest right now. The sweetest thing ever, right? You know, she

Howard Brown:

could she had the perfect life, right as well. So it's very

Howard Brown:

interesting. But with body image with, you know, shaming, there's

Howard Brown:

bullying in the movie. And then what I noticed of having a

Howard Brown:

teenage daughter now she's 22. But growing up with her, the

Howard Brown:

digital world that we live in is vastly unrealistic. The things

Howard Brown:

that you see online on Instagram on tick tock. It's really

Howard Brown:

unbelievable of what's real and what isn't real. And what I see

Howard Brown:

is that it actually has produced, you know, issues for

Howard Brown:

all people, not just young people, because we're living on

Howard Brown:

our phones. We're living online and things like that as well.

Howard Brown:

And so, you know, this bullying and unbelieving, all right, it

Howard Brown:

happens digitally. And it happens physically, because we

Howard Brown:

weren't gathering as much during the pandemic and things like

Howard Brown:

that. So I want to tell you that I went to see Barbie, and I

Howard Brown:

thought about Barbie world, which was this Pollyanna world

Howard Brown:

and then the real world and that to me, it was very thought

Howard Brown:

provoking, the movie was pretty good. It was okay. The thought

Howard Brown:

provoking if you actually took it to the next level, he's

Howard Brown:

getting me towards where you know where I wanted to have you

Howard Brown:

on the show and explore, explore that as well, because it's

Howard Brown:

really interesting. So take us from the inner critic and

Howard Brown:

bullying, to more authenticity. I think that's where you're

Howard Brown:

heading next.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Yes, that is where I'm heading. So one of the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

reasons we are hard on ourselves, inner critic and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

bullying ourselves is because we don't know who we are. But we've

Kalyani Pardeshi:

been, I know, growing up, I was told what I should be to fit in.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

And it was more like, Don't rock the boat, I was rocking the boat

Kalyani Pardeshi:

too much. And part of that was taking away my uniqueness. And

Kalyani Pardeshi:

when I talk about uniqueness, I'm talking about what

Kalyani Pardeshi:

intrinsically motivates me every single day, what is intangible

Kalyani Pardeshi:

that drives me every single day, it is, and for me is compassion,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

you know, for me to be able to bear the pain of other people's

Kalyani Pardeshi:

growth, while they're going through growth, to be able to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

hold that space for them. And to be able to adjust to whatever

Kalyani Pardeshi:

the need is and to provide for that need. That's who I am. It's

Kalyani Pardeshi:

very interesting. I got an email from one of the participants in

Kalyani Pardeshi:

my course. At the Calgary Military Family Resource Centre,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

she just saw my TEDx. And she just said to me that, you know,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

thank you for giving us all the love for some of us that have

Kalyani Pardeshi:

been hurting so bad. And that's what I do. That is my intrinsic

Kalyani Pardeshi:

motivation. And I think we've lost that. And if we come back

Kalyani Pardeshi:

to that, and we know who we are, then we realise that you know,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

what fitting in, isn't that important? Because you're

Kalyani Pardeshi:

unique? Why would you want to fit in? These are my gifts that

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I give to the world. One of the things my mom always told me

Kalyani Pardeshi:

growing up was, you know, don't be so emotional. But that's my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

gift. Because I'm able to put words to people's feelings. So

Kalyani Pardeshi:

if I'm not being emotional, how does that work? And it's very

Kalyani Pardeshi:

interesting. I said this last week, in an interview on an

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Instagram Live is that, you know, we often talk about

Kalyani Pardeshi:

deconditioning, you know, but my point is, what are we

Kalyani Pardeshi:

deconditioning to? Do we know where we're going, what's the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

focus? What's the end goal? What if we decondition something

Kalyani Pardeshi:

that's unique to us? So my whole life, I deconditioned my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

compassion? Because I was told that, you know, don't be so

Kalyani Pardeshi:

emotional. So what if we decondition somebody that's not

Kalyani Pardeshi:

that is our authenticity.

Howard Brown:

Amazing, I, those those personas of underdog

Howard Brown:

Pollyanna and over a goal achiever, I, you can be, you can

Howard Brown:

be all of them at certain times as well. And you can allow

Howard Brown:

yourself to that. But yeah, I think people bury certain things

Howard Brown:

that because they were told to do so are conditioned to do so

Howard Brown:

or they went through a life experience to do so. I have to

Howard Brown:

tell you that, you know, when I got my cancer diagnosis at 23,

Howard Brown:

and at 50, it stops your life in the tracks. But not just me, but

Howard Brown:

the people around me. But people that have gone through job loss,

Howard Brown:

divorce, trafficking, addiction, abuse, everyone has gone through

Howard Brown:

something. And so my mantra is to get lift up yourself. So then

Howard Brown:

you can go lift up others, and I think you and I are aligned that

Howard Brown:

way totally. But if you go back in time, when you first started

Howard Brown:

this journey of helping others, you, what have you learned and

Howard Brown:

what advice do you give yourself?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

So what I'm going to say is going to go

Kalyani Pardeshi:

against country is contrary to popular belief. So I'm sure

Kalyani Pardeshi:

you've heard this, you just got to keep trying, you just you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

don't know how close you are to your dream becoming a reality.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

And for two years, that's what I did with trying to get anti

Kalyani Pardeshi:

bullying techniques into school. You know, it's like, No, it's my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

dream. This is what people say, I gotta keep doing this. But I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

needed to pivot to self bullying. Because the minute I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

pivoted, that's when doors started opening up for me, and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

that's why I say yes, hold on to your dream, but don't quit

Kalyani Pardeshi:

pivot. And my lovely friend, Dottie says this, she says,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Don't quit pivot. And that's what I want to say is don't quit

Kalyani Pardeshi:

pivot. Yes, have the big picture, but they could be

Kalyani Pardeshi:

something better. And for me, it was what if I help people stop

Kalyani Pardeshi:

bullying themselves so that they don't have to believe each

Kalyani Pardeshi:

other?

Howard Brown:

Right, why do I know I like that. Do you find

Howard Brown:

that? So the schools were really looking at people bullying as a

Howard Brown:

team sport, or wasn't as much one on one or is it both?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

So here's the thing. Howard i i address

Kalyani Pardeshi:

intangible causes of Bullying, right? And what I mean by

Kalyani Pardeshi:

intangible causes, my first step is connecting each individual to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

their intrinsic motivators. Where do they get their energy

Kalyani Pardeshi:

from? For me, compassion is where I get my energy from,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

right? If the Minute, I'm told to do anything outside of

Kalyani Pardeshi:

compassion, for example, if I'm told to motivate somebody, I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

can't do that. It's not my thing, it will drain my energy.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

So I reconnect people to the intrinsic motivators. And then I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

help them understand the four thought processes. We work

Kalyani Pardeshi:

through triggers, we work through unconscious

Kalyani Pardeshi:

confrontations. I teach them tools and techniques to better

Kalyani Pardeshi:

themselves. Well, what's happening, unfortunately, in

Kalyani Pardeshi:

schools is, it's a lot of let's work on tangible effects. Right?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

So what we're essentially doing right now is this an abscess and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

we're just putting a bandaid on it, what I do is I rip that band

Kalyani Pardeshi:

aid off, and I'm going to put some antibiotic on that abscess

Kalyani Pardeshi:

until it gets better. And I'm going to nurture it till it gets

Kalyani Pardeshi:

better, I'm going to get to the cause of the problem, I'm not

Kalyani Pardeshi:

going to deal with the facts. And people like the Kumbaya,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

let's hold hands and sing together the facts, right, you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

know, you know, to stand and say these, do these affirmations.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

And you, they'll make you feel good in the short term. But in

Kalyani Pardeshi:

the long term, if you don't believe what you're saying, it's

Kalyani Pardeshi:

going to drain your energy.

Howard Brown:

Right? Because, you know, I think about it that

Howard Brown:

you even say this, I think bullying has been around a long

Howard Brown:

time. It has, you know, and a lot of is in male dominant, you

Howard Brown:

know, original societies as well. And, but there's bullying,

Howard Brown:

you know, on the playground, in the school room at work at home.

Howard Brown:

There's, this has been going on a while. And I think that your

Howard Brown:

approach is very unique, because you actually if you train

Howard Brown:

someone to not value themselves, maybe they'll think twice about

Howard Brown:

bullying someone else or joining the pack. And, and is that is

Howard Brown:

that really some of the goal there. So the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

goal basically is once you know and understand

Kalyani Pardeshi:

yourself, and you are driven intrinsically, you're all your

Kalyani Pardeshi:

interactions change. Because you're connecting to what

Kalyani Pardeshi:

intrinsically drives you, your intangible driver, you're not

Kalyani Pardeshi:

trying to fit in, you're trying to be something that you're not

Kalyani Pardeshi:

just to be accepted. And let's put it this way, when you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

connect to your intrinsic mode motivators, that's how you build

Kalyani Pardeshi:

self esteem. When you build self esteem. People are drawn to you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

as like, wow, okay. You know, I want a bit of that you're able

Kalyani Pardeshi:

to stand on your own. It's very interesting. A friend of mine

Kalyani Pardeshi:

did a social media post, yesterday, and she listed are

Kalyani Pardeshi:

all sorts of things as like, Are you afraid to say no to somebody

Kalyani Pardeshi:

or you're free to share your story vulnerable, and there were

Kalyani Pardeshi:

seven or eight things. And I literally wrote them, none of

Kalyani Pardeshi:

the above. And it's none of them are not afraid of this. And it's

Kalyani Pardeshi:

been the last year working with my mentor, John Leonhardt, who

Kalyani Pardeshi:

has trained me and understanding my uniqueness and understanding

Kalyani Pardeshi:

my thought processes, my triggers, and how to respond to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

them in a healthy way. Also using unconscious

Kalyani Pardeshi:

confrontations, which has helped me with my relationships with my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

children, through understanding their uniqueness and using key

Kalyani Pardeshi:

words that intrinsically motivates them to just have this

Kalyani Pardeshi:

beautiful, harmonious relationship going. We were away

Kalyani Pardeshi:

for almost two weeks in the UK. And it was an amazing holiday

Kalyani Pardeshi:

because there were no Spats there was like, you know, at the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

end, everyone got tired. And that was a trigger. And they

Kalyani Pardeshi:

were Spats. I'm not gonna lie, but I handled it very, very well

Kalyani Pardeshi:

there was over before it even started.

Howard Brown:

You mentioned something about self esteem,

Howard Brown:

tell me where self esteem intersects with confidence or

Howard Brown:

self confidence.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

They actually it's very beautiful that you say

Kalyani Pardeshi:

that because the noncontradictory definition of

Kalyani Pardeshi:

self esteem is confidence in your uniqueness. And confidence

Kalyani Pardeshi:

in your uniqueness I'm talking about is whatever motivates you

Kalyani Pardeshi:

intrinsically. To have confidence in that.

Howard Brown:

Right? No, I like that. So. So self esteem is is

Howard Brown:

important. Because for the most part, I'm a confident type

Howard Brown:

person for the most part, but I also that was told never to let

Howard Brown:

him see you sweat. Never let him see you sweat, whatever that

Howard Brown:

meant that what used to be an old expression, never let him

Howard Brown:

see you sweat. You know, always maintain your composure and

Howard Brown:

things like that. And, you know, it wasn't till recently that,

Howard Brown:

you know, it was okay to be vulnerable. You know, you know,

Howard Brown:

people always had to have this hard side, you know, and again,

Howard Brown:

also I have friends that coach in the women of the in the

Howard Brown:

workplace, and it's difficult. I had an author, an Asian author

Howard Brown:

from Canada that talked about the Tao of self confidence about

Howard Brown:

growing up with Asian women and what they're told to be and how

Howard Brown:

their expectations are. And some of those very harsh demands that

Howard Brown:

their family placed on them, that they couldn't explore who

Howard Brown:

they really were, they didn't find out until breaking away a

Howard Brown:

little bit. And it's interesting on everyone's different journey,

Howard Brown:

as to we've got to improve yourself. Thank you for shouting

Howard Brown:

out your coach, because even coaches have coaches, too. I

Howard Brown:

have and again, I, the older term I use as mentors.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I mentor I prefer mentor, I

Howard Brown:

love that word. Because the lost art of

Howard Brown:

mentorship is true leadership, because I love mentoring,

Howard Brown:

because it it's a learning experience for you, but you're

Howard Brown:

lifting someone else up. But also, you have to be able to put

Howard Brown:

yourself to be the mentee, to understand that you actually can

Howard Brown:

fill your cup up with knowledge and fill your brain up with

Howard Brown:

knowledge to improve now whether you apply that or not so

Howard Brown:

different stories. So it's, it's it's fascinating. All right, so

Howard Brown:

you're setting out to achieve your goals? How do you

Howard Brown:

differentiate between bullying yourself and achieving those

Howard Brown:

goals?

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Okay, so I want to share two stories. I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

recently wrote an article about this. And one story is mine and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

one stories. And so I'm gonna start with my story in the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

second one, because I want to save Andrews story because

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Andrews is the best story. So I'm just literally going to read

Kalyani Pardeshi:

from an article here, I was invited to a workshop. And when

Kalyani Pardeshi:

I looked at the date and time of this workshop, my initial

Kalyani Pardeshi:

thought was, I don't want to go I can't make it. There's too

Kalyani Pardeshi:

much going on around that time. Because this workshop was

Kalyani Pardeshi:

scheduled to take place two days before my kids went back to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

school. And it would run through dinner prep time, I wasn't

Kalyani Pardeshi:

familiar of the part of the city where this workshop was being

Kalyani Pardeshi:

hosted. So if I were to bully myself into attending this

Kalyani Pardeshi:

workshop, this is what this is what it would look like, the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

cause of tension is taking a chance to meet new people and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

doing a lot of work to get there. The comfortable result or

Kalyani Pardeshi:

the excuse not to go. While it's two days before the kids start

Kalyani Pardeshi:

school, the location is too far. It's late in the day, I won't be

Kalyani Pardeshi:

back in time to make dinner. So I can choose to stay at home

Kalyani Pardeshi:

because I have valid reasons not to go the self bullying

Kalyani Pardeshi:

approach, telling myself to do it, forcing myself to do it to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

prove that I can do it for the effect, not the cause. And the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

effect is not feeling FOMO the effect of not wanting to lose

Kalyani Pardeshi:

out on the opportunity to network. The effect of not

Kalyani Pardeshi:

having regrets or what people will say about me. If I were to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

approach this workshop with a growth mindset, this is what it

Kalyani Pardeshi:

would look like. The cause of tension is still the same taking

Kalyani Pardeshi:

a chance to meet new people and doing a lot of work to get

Kalyani Pardeshi:

there. The growth result is building connections learning

Kalyani Pardeshi:

something new building confidence driving to a new part

Kalyani Pardeshi:

of the city growth mindset approach. This is an opportunity

Kalyani Pardeshi:

to network to meet new people to learn something new or figure

Kalyani Pardeshi:

the rest out dinner school etc. So before I share Andrews story,

Kalyani Pardeshi:

do we still have time to share Andrews story? Yeah, of course.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Yeah. Okay, good. So the end result would still have been the

Kalyani Pardeshi:

same, I still would have gone to the workshop, right? But was I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

believe myself or was I going with a growth mindset. So this

Kalyani Pardeshi:

is what Andrew shared with me and I have his permission to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

share the story. When I was in high school, I struggled with my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

mental health. But my teachers often could tell that I was

Kalyani Pardeshi:

gifted in my intelligence. They pushed me to try honours

Kalyani Pardeshi:

courses. But when I took honours chemistry, my teacher didn't

Kalyani Pardeshi:

have patience for me loafing off, he made jokes at my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

expense, and I felt stupid. After that class, I didn't have

Kalyani Pardeshi:

to take any more science classes, but I wanted to prove

Kalyani Pardeshi:

him wrong because I felt bullied by him. So I enrolled in

Kalyani Pardeshi:

physics, which was spoken of as the hardest class in the school

Kalyani Pardeshi:

by the student body. I fell in love with the field of physics.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

And that's what springboarded me into engineering and getting

Kalyani Pardeshi:

deeper into science. Because my teacher bullied me I found a

Kalyani Pardeshi:

field of study that I got energy from intrinsically, that never

Kalyani Pardeshi:

happened from teachers who tried to encourage me, even though I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

was a mess, comparing those two scenarios, you know, one could

Kalyani Pardeshi:

easily cause someone to come to the conclusion that bullying

Kalyani Pardeshi:

works, but I was still a mess. I continued to struggle with

Kalyani Pardeshi:

depression and suicidal thoughts for the next five years, until I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

learned to deal with my own thought process. So now if

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Andrew were to approach this with a growth mindset, the cause

Kalyani Pardeshi:

of tension would still be being misunderstood and bullied

Kalyani Pardeshi:

because of being gifted in intelligence for growth result

Kalyani Pardeshi:

is exploring an area of science that would cultivate and nurture

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Andrews gifts. The growth mindset approach is seeing

Kalyani Pardeshi:

taking physics as an opportunity to cultivate, nurture and

Kalyani Pardeshi:

explore the extent of Andrews gifted intelligence.

Howard Brown:

I have to tell you, I think that that you teach

Howard Brown:

the discipline to be able to look at it from Two sides of the

Howard Brown:

coin. So from the bullying side, the self bullying side and the

Howard Brown:

growth mindset side. And that's a discipline that's a learned

Howard Brown:

thing. That's what you teach. So that's a classic. I know, I

Howard Brown:

think it's, I think it's, I think it's fascinating. So I

Howard Brown:

think it's amazing. All right, well, we're gonna, we're gonna

Howard Brown:

head to the end of the show here. But so I, I just want to

Howard Brown:

tell you that this is a learning for me. So I hope that the

Howard Brown:

audience is learning to, if not, this is my show, I'm being a

Howard Brown:

little selfish here. You've just basically given me a primer to

Howard Brown:

to all your teachings, your book, your TEDx, and all that.

Howard Brown:

So, but I think a lot of other people are going to really,

Howard Brown:

really resonate with this. Alright, so this is a part of

Howard Brown:

the show I put on my glasses here. For those that are just

Howard Brown:

listening, I have my metallic white glasses, it's the shining

Howard Brown:

brightly spotlight, and call Yanni, I want you to tell people

Howard Brown:

how they can get in touch with you. And then then then they'll

Howard Brown:

find your TEDx and then find your class and all that stuff.

Howard Brown:

And I'd love for you then kick back the show to me, but before

Howard Brown:

that, I want you to share some inspiration as you do.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Okay, so people can reach me on my

Kalyani Pardeshi:

website, that's Kalyani speaks.com. I am on LinkedIn, I

Kalyani Pardeshi:

am on Instagram, I am on Facebook as well. My Instagram

Kalyani Pardeshi:

is Kalyani speaks 049. The thought that I would like to

Kalyani Pardeshi:

leave everyone with is what are you hoping to achieve by

Kalyani Pardeshi:

bullying yourself?

Howard Brown:

Wow. I don't know. They'd have to really

Howard Brown:

contemplate that and think about that. So that's the thing. I've

Howard Brown:

not I you know, I heard of anti bullying and before meeting you,

Howard Brown:

the billing itself has been is fairly new to me. So I want to

Howard Brown:

say that I just really appreciate the learning that

Howard Brown:

you've exposed to me and to the audience here. I think they're

Howard Brown:

gonna have some questions for you. I will make sure that your

Howard Brown:

website and the socials are all put in the show notes as well as

Howard Brown:

on the links on the social posting, so people will be able

Howard Brown:

to find you. And I hope they go and do so. So this has been

Howard Brown:

another episode of The shining brightly show. I'm Howard Brown,

Howard Brown:

you can reach me at shining brightly.com. There you can find

Howard Brown:

all of my wonderful speaking examples and my one sheet as

Howard Brown:

well as the book shining brightly. It's a best seller.

Howard Brown:

It's an inspiring read how to live a resilient life with hope.

Howard Brown:

And then also you can see my podcast, which is gaining lots

Howard Brown:

of traction. I'm looking for sponsors as well. But it's

Howard Brown:

happening, it's starting to pick up I think I hit across 12,500

Howard Brown:

downloads. I'm like so excited. That means someone's paying

Howard Brown:

attention here and I'm doing something right. And lastly,

Howard Brown:

also my advocacy, my advocacy for entrepreneurship, my

Howard Brown:

advocacy for cancer, my advocacy for interfaith, I have

Howard Brown:

discussion guides on survivorship on mentorship,

Howard Brown:

which is leadership and also interfaith learning about other

Howard Brown:

people and their customers, their cultures, their foods,

Howard Brown:

their history and their religion. And so lots of good

Howard Brown:

stuff there at shining brightly.com And I'm interactive

Howard Brown:

so you can come and reach me. And then lastly, to close the

Howard Brown:

show, I always say that if you choose to shine brightly, just a

Howard Brown:

little bit each day for yourself. For others in our

Howard Brown:

communities, the world would be a brighter place. Thanks again,

Howard Brown:

Kalyani. It was wonderful. I learned a lot and you're you're

Howard Brown:

really onto something here and I just wish you well and your

Howard Brown:

classes, your teachings and, and really the growth mindset that

Howard Brown:

you provide for everyone. So thank you.

Kalyani Pardeshi:

Thank you very much.