Are You Motivating Yourself or Bullying Yourself? With Kalyani Pardeshi

Howard Brown: 00:00:03

Hello, it's Howard Brown. It's the shining brightly

Howard Brown: 00:00:06

show. It's that time of the week where we're going to motivate,

Howard Brown: 00:00:09

educate and inspire you. And today is just an amazing day. We

Howard Brown: 00:00:14

have Kalyani Pardeshi you're with me from Canada. I'm so glad

Howard Brown: 00:00:19

you're here. How are you?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:00:20

I'm good. How are you?

Howard Brown: 00:00:22

I'm just so excited to because I met you

Howard Brown: 00:00:26

through Dr. Marian, Dr. Z. And I have to tell you, when we first

Howard Brown: 00:00:30

spoke, you educated me. I actually had no idea if you're

Howard Brown: 00:00:35

motivating yourself or bullying yourself. And you just brought a

Howard Brown: 00:00:39

whole new light to me and I want to learn and I want to be

Howard Brown: 00:00:41

educated. And we're going to talk a lot about that today. But

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first, let me tell folks about who you are just a little bit

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you'll fill in after that. So tell Yanni a TEDx speaker, I

Howard Brown: 00:00:51

actually just finished listening to it, you'll click that link.

Howard Brown: 00:00:53

It'll be in the show notes. It's amazing. You are the only

Howard Brown: 00:00:57

certified flow says trainer you'll have to explain what that

Howard Brown: 00:01:00

is in Canada, multiple award winning author, and you teach

Howard Brown: 00:01:04

people how to stop bullying themselves are going to repeat

Howard Brown: 00:01:07

that stop bullying themselves. And you're going to uncover that

Howard Brown: 00:01:10

for us by discovering their uniqueness and mastering their

Howard Brown: 00:01:13

thought process. you've collaborated with the Calgary

Howard Brown: 00:01:17

Military Family Resource Centre, you produce a self week self

Howard Brown: 00:01:21

bullying intervention course. It's amazing. You help parents

Howard Brown: 00:01:25

and teens, actually on the topic of that the uniqueness to

Howard Brown: 00:01:30

excuses to connect. Oh my god, you do so many good things.

Howard Brown: 00:01:33

Here. You have something about inclusive leadership and the

Howard Brown: 00:01:36

virtual world unravelling the illusion of motivation. The Dark

Howard Brown: 00:01:40

Side of inspirational quotes exploring the unseen self

Howard Brown: 00:01:43

bullying behaviours, from seemingly positive messages. We

Howard Brown: 00:01:47

got to uncover all this great stuff here because you have some

Howard Brown: 00:01:49

cool themes here we want to talk about fill in. And before we

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actually dive into the first question about you know who you

Howard Brown: 00:01:55

are, where you're from, how you got here. What's something you

Howard Brown: 00:01:59

want to share that we may not know about yet?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:01

Hey, cooking, so I'm Eastern. Yeah, we are

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:04

supposed to love cooking. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. If I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:10

could hire someone to do this for me. Please let me know.

Howard Brown: 00:02:16

Well, we can always order, you know, DoorDash

Howard Brown: 00:02:19

or the delivery services or they actually have a services there

Howard Brown: 00:02:23

during COVID. Right? They they almost prepared all your food.

Howard Brown: 00:02:25

20 minutes, do a little prep, and you're on your way. So Oh,

Howard Brown: 00:02:28

you're not a cook. That's all right. It's you got to do what

Howard Brown: 00:02:31

you love not not not not not have to fight that. So but your

Howard Brown: 00:02:34

kids want to add

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:35

sorry, that just want to add, even though I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:37

don't like cooking, I make really good food for my kids. So

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:41

don't enjoy

Howard Brown: 00:02:42

it, but they're fed. So the kids are fed. Let's

Howard Brown: 00:02:43

make sure we got that straightened out. All right.

Howard Brown: 00:02:46

Tell us a little bit more of who you are, and how you started

Howard Brown: 00:02:49

down this path, author TEDx and kind of being this, this coach

Howard Brown: 00:02:54

for unbelieving.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:02:55

So basically, I quit my career as a CPA. 13

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:00

years ago, when my son was born, and I spent many years raising

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:05

them. My son had a lot of health issues. So I couldn't go back to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:09

work. And in 2018, I and I attended an anti bullying

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:14

workshop. And the reason I was there as a volunteer was I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:18

wanted to see what was different now versus when I was in school

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:22

because I was bullied as a teenager. So what were they

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:25

teaching that was different, and spoiler alert, nothing was

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:29

different. It was the same information. And I developed

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:34

tools and techniques to combat bullying. And I was like, Okay,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:38

why don't I share this with the world? And I tried many places.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:42

I tried to get in with the organisation that did the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:46

presentation, they wouldn't have me they made 1000 excuses. So I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:50

said, You know what, I'm just gonna put it in a book. So I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:52

wrote a self published a book in 2019. And between 2019 and 2021,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:03:59

I won three international awards for it. I tried to get this work

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:04

into schools, but I just kept hitting barriers. And last year,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:09

what happened is my daughter's Junior High School invited

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:12

parents to present on their any topic on their health symposium

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:17

week. So one of the things I discovered while writing my book

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:20

was self bullying. So I said, Hey, are you guys interested in

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:24

this and, you know, I was invited to speak so it was like,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:27

I got my foot in the door. And one thing led to the other and I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:30

realised that the only way we can stop bullying each other is

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:33

when we stop bullying ourselves. So we need to take that step

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:37

back. So I changed my focus away from anti bullying techniques

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:41

for teens to self bullying tools and techniques for ourselves.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:48

And that led to you know, presenting with the Calgary

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:52

family, military Resource Centre, inclusive leadership in

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:04:56

a virtual world excuses to connect and like small groups of

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:00

parents and teens and then my big aha was my TEDx in May this

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:05

year.

Howard Brown: 00:05:06

Congratulations. That's No, that's a huge

Howard Brown: 00:05:08

accomplishment. It's really amazing. So, a flow says

Howard Brown: 00:05:14

trainer, I had never heard that. So what is the flows that I've

Howard Brown: 00:05:18

heard about says, okay, process flows, this

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:21

is a flow cesses, we teach people to flow

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:24

intentionally. A lot of people can be in the flow thought,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:30

where you see the basically, for thought processes we have,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:34

according to psychology, we have dysregulation, we have

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:37

regulation, we have self regulation, and then what

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:41

psychology doesn't speak of is flow. And what we teach is how

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:44

people should toggle between flow and self regulation. So you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:05:50

are being and performing at your absolute best.

Howard Brown: 00:05:55

Thank you for defining that. I appreciate

Howard Brown: 00:05:57

that. That helps me now. So I actually people are hard on

Howard Brown: 00:06:03

themselves. I do. Two comments. One is that I do a talk called a

Howard Brown: 00:06:08

look in the mirror. And most people don't like what they see

Howard Brown: 00:06:13

in the mirror. If you take a hard look, they too fat too

Howard Brown: 00:06:17

skinny, too tall, you know, not pretty. They don't like their

Howard Brown: 00:06:21

job. They don't like their you know, their situations and stuff

Howard Brown: 00:06:23

like that. Most people are very hard on themselves. And so

Howard Brown: 00:06:29

what's the difference between being an inner critic and self

Howard Brown: 00:06:32

bullying, because there's a delineation here that I want to

Howard Brown: 00:06:35

learn about.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:36

So the inner critic, when I talk about the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:38

inner critic, we are somewhat aware of how we speak to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:42

ourselves. You know, I the one question I like to ask in my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:46

presentation is, you know, do you feel you're not good enough?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:49

Are you ever hard on yourself? Because you feel you're not good

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:52

enough? And people will say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:55

But then we're talking about self bullying. I say, Okay, if I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:06:58

talk to you about someone who's an overachiever, how do you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:01

feel? Oh, wow, that's amazing. You know, like, some of that can

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:06

do so much. That's incredible, right? What if I say the word

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:09

underdog to you? What do you think it's like, wow, well, if

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:12

they can do it, you know, no one expected them to win. And they

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:15

won. That means I can do it. If I say to you, what about someone

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:19

who's just like a Pollyanna who's just always happy and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:21

chirpy? And that what do you think of that? It's like, Oh, I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:24

wish I could be like that. I don't like my moods and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:26

feelings. So when I talk about self bullying, I'm talking about

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:31

seemingly positive personas, who are actually bullying themselves

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:38

to achieve what they want to achieve. So I'm going to get

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:42

into this a bit later in the show is that you can still

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:45

achieve what you want to achieve. But you don't have to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:48

fool yourself into doing it. And I'll give you some examples of

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:07:51

what that looks like.

Howard Brown: 00:07:53

I appreciate that. So I have to tell you a couple

Howard Brown: 00:07:55

weeks ago, I actually went with my sister and my wife to see the

Howard Brown: 00:07:59

movie Barbie. Did you see the Barbie movie? Are you not made

Howard Brown: 00:08:03

that? That's okay, only it's only done over a billion dollars

Howard Brown: 00:08:09

worth of sales, you know, worldwide and stuff. It's like a

Howard Brown: 00:08:12

big hit. So I went in there, not exactly knowing what I was going

Howard Brown: 00:08:16

to see I went at the last minute. I actually had a GI Joe

Howard Brown: 00:08:20

doll. It was like an army doll. And my sister had Barbie and Ken

Howard Brown: 00:08:26

a couple of them. And all I remember is that they went the

Howard Brown: 00:08:28

clothes came off, you couldn't put them back on again. But I

Howard Brown: 00:08:31

wrote a piece on social media on LinkedIn and even on Facebook,

Howard Brown: 00:08:35

too. And I asked the questions, because it really brought up a

Howard Brown: 00:08:39

lot. Okay, Barbie at first was perfect. Her body image was

Howard Brown: 00:08:44

unrealistic, right? Barbie was always Pollyanna and always the

Howard Brown: 00:08:48

nicest right now. The sweetest thing ever, right? You know, she

Howard Brown: 00:08:54

could she had the perfect life, right as well. So it's very

Howard Brown: 00:08:58

interesting. But with body image with, you know, shaming, there's

Howard Brown: 00:09:04

bullying in the movie. And then what I noticed of having a

Howard Brown: 00:09:08

teenage daughter now she's 22. But growing up with her, the

Howard Brown: 00:09:12

digital world that we live in is vastly unrealistic. The things

Howard Brown: 00:09:17

that you see online on Instagram on tick tock. It's really

Howard Brown: 00:09:23

unbelievable of what's real and what isn't real. And what I see

Howard Brown: 00:09:27

is that it actually has produced, you know, issues for

Howard Brown: 00:09:31

all people, not just young people, because we're living on

Howard Brown: 00:09:34

our phones. We're living online and things like that as well.

Howard Brown: 00:09:38

And so, you know, this bullying and unbelieving, all right, it

Howard Brown: 00:09:43

happens digitally. And it happens physically, because we

Howard Brown: 00:09:47

weren't gathering as much during the pandemic and things like

Howard Brown: 00:09:49

that. So I want to tell you that I went to see Barbie, and I

Howard Brown: 00:09:53

thought about Barbie world, which was this Pollyanna world

Howard Brown: 00:09:56

and then the real world and that to me, it was very thought

Howard Brown: 00:10:00

provoking, the movie was pretty good. It was okay. The thought

Howard Brown: 00:10:03

provoking if you actually took it to the next level, he's

Howard Brown: 00:10:07

getting me towards where you know where I wanted to have you

Howard Brown: 00:10:09

on the show and explore, explore that as well, because it's

Howard Brown: 00:10:13

really interesting. So take us from the inner critic and

Howard Brown: 00:10:17

bullying, to more authenticity. I think that's where you're

Howard Brown: 00:10:20

heading next.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:21

Yes, that is where I'm heading. So one of the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:23

reasons we are hard on ourselves, inner critic and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:27

bullying ourselves is because we don't know who we are. But we've

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:31

been, I know, growing up, I was told what I should be to fit in.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:36

And it was more like, Don't rock the boat, I was rocking the boat

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:39

too much. And part of that was taking away my uniqueness. And

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:47

when I talk about uniqueness, I'm talking about what

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:49

intrinsically motivates me every single day, what is intangible

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:10:55

that drives me every single day, it is, and for me is compassion,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:01

you know, for me to be able to bear the pain of other people's

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:05

growth, while they're going through growth, to be able to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:08

hold that space for them. And to be able to adjust to whatever

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:12

the need is and to provide for that need. That's who I am. It's

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:16

very interesting. I got an email from one of the participants in

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:20

my course. At the Calgary Military Family Resource Centre,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:25

she just saw my TEDx. And she just said to me that, you know,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:29

thank you for giving us all the love for some of us that have

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:32

been hurting so bad. And that's what I do. That is my intrinsic

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:37

motivation. And I think we've lost that. And if we come back

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:41

to that, and we know who we are, then we realise that you know,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:45

what fitting in, isn't that important? Because you're

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:48

unique? Why would you want to fit in? These are my gifts that

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:51

I give to the world. One of the things my mom always told me

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:54

growing up was, you know, don't be so emotional. But that's my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:11:57

gift. Because I'm able to put words to people's feelings. So

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:02

if I'm not being emotional, how does that work? And it's very

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:07

interesting. I said this last week, in an interview on an

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:10

Instagram Live is that, you know, we often talk about

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:12

deconditioning, you know, but my point is, what are we

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:15

deconditioning to? Do we know where we're going, what's the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:19

focus? What's the end goal? What if we decondition something

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:22

that's unique to us? So my whole life, I deconditioned my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:27

compassion? Because I was told that, you know, don't be so

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:33

emotional. So what if we decondition somebody that's not

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:12:37

that is our authenticity.

Howard Brown: 00:12:40

Amazing, I, those those personas of underdog

Howard Brown: 00:12:44

Pollyanna and over a goal achiever, I, you can be, you can

Howard Brown: 00:12:48

be all of them at certain times as well. And you can allow

Howard Brown: 00:12:52

yourself to that. But yeah, I think people bury certain things

Howard Brown: 00:12:56

that because they were told to do so are conditioned to do so

Howard Brown: 00:13:01

or they went through a life experience to do so. I have to

Howard Brown: 00:13:05

tell you that, you know, when I got my cancer diagnosis at 23,

Howard Brown: 00:13:09

and at 50, it stops your life in the tracks. But not just me, but

Howard Brown: 00:13:14

the people around me. But people that have gone through job loss,

Howard Brown: 00:13:19

divorce, trafficking, addiction, abuse, everyone has gone through

Howard Brown: 00:13:23

something. And so my mantra is to get lift up yourself. So then

Howard Brown: 00:13:28

you can go lift up others, and I think you and I are aligned that

Howard Brown: 00:13:32

way totally. But if you go back in time, when you first started

Howard Brown: 00:13:37

this journey of helping others, you, what have you learned and

Howard Brown: 00:13:41

what advice do you give yourself?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:13:45

So what I'm going to say is going to go

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:13:47

against country is contrary to popular belief. So I'm sure

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:13:51

you've heard this, you just got to keep trying, you just you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:13:53

don't know how close you are to your dream becoming a reality.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:13:56

And for two years, that's what I did with trying to get anti

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:13:59

bullying techniques into school. You know, it's like, No, it's my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:02

dream. This is what people say, I gotta keep doing this. But I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:07

needed to pivot to self bullying. Because the minute I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:10

pivoted, that's when doors started opening up for me, and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:14

that's why I say yes, hold on to your dream, but don't quit

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:19

pivot. And my lovely friend, Dottie says this, she says,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:23

Don't quit pivot. And that's what I want to say is don't quit

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:26

pivot. Yes, have the big picture, but they could be

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:30

something better. And for me, it was what if I help people stop

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:35

bullying themselves so that they don't have to believe each

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:39

other?

Howard Brown: 00:14:42

Right, why do I know I like that. Do you find

Howard Brown: 00:14:45

that? So the schools were really looking at people bullying as a

Howard Brown: 00:14:50

team sport, or wasn't as much one on one or is it both?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:54

So here's the thing. Howard i i address

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:14:58

intangible causes of Bullying, right? And what I mean by

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:02

intangible causes, my first step is connecting each individual to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:06

their intrinsic motivators. Where do they get their energy

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:10

from? For me, compassion is where I get my energy from,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:14

right? If the Minute, I'm told to do anything outside of

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:18

compassion, for example, if I'm told to motivate somebody, I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:21

can't do that. It's not my thing, it will drain my energy.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:25

So I reconnect people to the intrinsic motivators. And then I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:28

help them understand the four thought processes. We work

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:31

through triggers, we work through unconscious

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:33

confrontations. I teach them tools and techniques to better

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:37

themselves. Well, what's happening, unfortunately, in

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:39

schools is, it's a lot of let's work on tangible effects. Right?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:45

So what we're essentially doing right now is this an abscess and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:48

we're just putting a bandaid on it, what I do is I rip that band

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:52

aid off, and I'm going to put some antibiotic on that abscess

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:55

until it gets better. And I'm going to nurture it till it gets

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:15:58

better, I'm going to get to the cause of the problem, I'm not

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:16:01

going to deal with the facts. And people like the Kumbaya,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:16:05

let's hold hands and sing together the facts, right, you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:16:09

know, you know, to stand and say these, do these affirmations.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:16:15

And you, they'll make you feel good in the short term. But in

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:16:19

the long term, if you don't believe what you're saying, it's

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:16:22

going to drain your energy.

Howard Brown: 00:16:25

Right? Because, you know, I think about it that

Howard Brown: 00:16:28

you even say this, I think bullying has been around a long

Howard Brown: 00:16:32

time. It has, you know, and a lot of is in male dominant, you

Howard Brown: 00:16:37

know, original societies as well. And, but there's bullying,

Howard Brown: 00:16:42

you know, on the playground, in the school room at work at home.

Howard Brown: 00:16:46

There's, this has been going on a while. And I think that your

Howard Brown: 00:16:50

approach is very unique, because you actually if you train

Howard Brown: 00:16:53

someone to not value themselves, maybe they'll think twice about

Howard Brown: 00:16:57

bullying someone else or joining the pack. And, and is that is

Howard Brown: 00:17:01

that really some of the goal there. So the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:03

goal basically is once you know and understand

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:06

yourself, and you are driven intrinsically, you're all your

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:11

interactions change. Because you're connecting to what

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:15

intrinsically drives you, your intangible driver, you're not

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:19

trying to fit in, you're trying to be something that you're not

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:24

just to be accepted. And let's put it this way, when you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:27

connect to your intrinsic mode motivators, that's how you build

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:30

self esteem. When you build self esteem. People are drawn to you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:34

as like, wow, okay. You know, I want a bit of that you're able

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:37

to stand on your own. It's very interesting. A friend of mine

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:40

did a social media post, yesterday, and she listed are

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:43

all sorts of things as like, Are you afraid to say no to somebody

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:46

or you're free to share your story vulnerable, and there were

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:48

seven or eight things. And I literally wrote them, none of

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:51

the above. And it's none of them are not afraid of this. And it's

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:17:56

been the last year working with my mentor, John Leonhardt, who

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:00

has trained me and understanding my uniqueness and understanding

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:04

my thought processes, my triggers, and how to respond to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:08

them in a healthy way. Also using unconscious

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:12

confrontations, which has helped me with my relationships with my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:15

children, through understanding their uniqueness and using key

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:18

words that intrinsically motivates them to just have this

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:23

beautiful, harmonious relationship going. We were away

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:27

for almost two weeks in the UK. And it was an amazing holiday

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:32

because there were no Spats there was like, you know, at the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:35

end, everyone got tired. And that was a trigger. And they

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:38

were Spats. I'm not gonna lie, but I handled it very, very well

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:42

there was over before it even started.

Howard Brown: 00:18:46

You mentioned something about self esteem,

Howard Brown: 00:18:48

tell me where self esteem intersects with confidence or

Howard Brown: 00:18:52

self confidence.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:55

They actually it's very beautiful that you say

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:57

that because the noncontradictory definition of

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:18:59

self esteem is confidence in your uniqueness. And confidence

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:19:04

in your uniqueness I'm talking about is whatever motivates you

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:19:07

intrinsically. To have confidence in that.

Howard Brown: 00:19:12

Right? No, I like that. So. So self esteem is is

Howard Brown: 00:19:17

important. Because for the most part, I'm a confident type

Howard Brown: 00:19:23

person for the most part, but I also that was told never to let

Howard Brown: 00:19:26

him see you sweat. Never let him see you sweat, whatever that

Howard Brown: 00:19:30

meant that what used to be an old expression, never let him

Howard Brown: 00:19:32

see you sweat. You know, always maintain your composure and

Howard Brown: 00:19:36

things like that. And, you know, it wasn't till recently that,

Howard Brown: 00:19:41

you know, it was okay to be vulnerable. You know, you know,

Howard Brown: 00:19:45

people always had to have this hard side, you know, and again,

Howard Brown: 00:19:49

also I have friends that coach in the women of the in the

Howard Brown: 00:19:53

workplace, and it's difficult. I had an author, an Asian author

Howard Brown: 00:19:58

from Canada that talked about the Tao of self confidence about

Howard Brown: 00:20:01

growing up with Asian women and what they're told to be and how

Howard Brown: 00:20:04

their expectations are. And some of those very harsh demands that

Howard Brown: 00:20:08

their family placed on them, that they couldn't explore who

Howard Brown: 00:20:11

they really were, they didn't find out until breaking away a

Howard Brown: 00:20:13

little bit. And it's interesting on everyone's different journey,

Howard Brown: 00:20:17

as to we've got to improve yourself. Thank you for shouting

Howard Brown: 00:20:19

out your coach, because even coaches have coaches, too. I

Howard Brown: 00:20:23

have and again, I, the older term I use as mentors.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:20:28

I mentor I prefer mentor, I

Howard Brown: 00:20:30

love that word. Because the lost art of

Howard Brown: 00:20:32

mentorship is true leadership, because I love mentoring,

Howard Brown: 00:20:35

because it it's a learning experience for you, but you're

Howard Brown: 00:20:38

lifting someone else up. But also, you have to be able to put

Howard Brown: 00:20:42

yourself to be the mentee, to understand that you actually can

Howard Brown: 00:20:46

fill your cup up with knowledge and fill your brain up with

Howard Brown: 00:20:48

knowledge to improve now whether you apply that or not so

Howard Brown: 00:20:51

different stories. So it's, it's it's fascinating. All right, so

Howard Brown: 00:20:55

you're setting out to achieve your goals? How do you

Howard Brown: 00:20:58

differentiate between bullying yourself and achieving those

Howard Brown: 00:21:02

goals?

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:04

Okay, so I want to share two stories. I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:06

recently wrote an article about this. And one story is mine and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:10

one stories. And so I'm gonna start with my story in the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:14

second one, because I want to save Andrews story because

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:16

Andrews is the best story. So I'm just literally going to read

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:20

from an article here, I was invited to a workshop. And when

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:23

I looked at the date and time of this workshop, my initial

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:26

thought was, I don't want to go I can't make it. There's too

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:28

much going on around that time. Because this workshop was

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:32

scheduled to take place two days before my kids went back to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:35

school. And it would run through dinner prep time, I wasn't

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:39

familiar of the part of the city where this workshop was being

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:42

hosted. So if I were to bully myself into attending this

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:45

workshop, this is what this is what it would look like, the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:48

cause of tension is taking a chance to meet new people and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:52

doing a lot of work to get there. The comfortable result or

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:21:56

the excuse not to go. While it's two days before the kids start

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:00

school, the location is too far. It's late in the day, I won't be

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:04

back in time to make dinner. So I can choose to stay at home

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:07

because I have valid reasons not to go the self bullying

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:12

approach, telling myself to do it, forcing myself to do it to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:16

prove that I can do it for the effect, not the cause. And the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:20

effect is not feeling FOMO the effect of not wanting to lose

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:26

out on the opportunity to network. The effect of not

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:29

having regrets or what people will say about me. If I were to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:33

approach this workshop with a growth mindset, this is what it

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:36

would look like. The cause of tension is still the same taking

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:39

a chance to meet new people and doing a lot of work to get

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:42

there. The growth result is building connections learning

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:46

something new building confidence driving to a new part

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:48

of the city growth mindset approach. This is an opportunity

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:53

to network to meet new people to learn something new or figure

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:22:57

the rest out dinner school etc. So before I share Andrews story,

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:02

do we still have time to share Andrews story? Yeah, of course.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:04

Yeah. Okay, good. So the end result would still have been the

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:07

same, I still would have gone to the workshop, right? But was I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:11

believe myself or was I going with a growth mindset. So this

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:14

is what Andrew shared with me and I have his permission to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:16

share the story. When I was in high school, I struggled with my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:20

mental health. But my teachers often could tell that I was

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:23

gifted in my intelligence. They pushed me to try honours

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:26

courses. But when I took honours chemistry, my teacher didn't

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:30

have patience for me loafing off, he made jokes at my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:34

expense, and I felt stupid. After that class, I didn't have

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:38

to take any more science classes, but I wanted to prove

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:41

him wrong because I felt bullied by him. So I enrolled in

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:44

physics, which was spoken of as the hardest class in the school

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:47

by the student body. I fell in love with the field of physics.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:52

And that's what springboarded me into engineering and getting

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:54

deeper into science. Because my teacher bullied me I found a

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:23:59

field of study that I got energy from intrinsically, that never

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:03

happened from teachers who tried to encourage me, even though I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:06

was a mess, comparing those two scenarios, you know, one could

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:11

easily cause someone to come to the conclusion that bullying

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:14

works, but I was still a mess. I continued to struggle with

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:18

depression and suicidal thoughts for the next five years, until I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:22

learned to deal with my own thought process. So now if

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:25

Andrew were to approach this with a growth mindset, the cause

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:29

of tension would still be being misunderstood and bullied

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:33

because of being gifted in intelligence for growth result

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:37

is exploring an area of science that would cultivate and nurture

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:40

Andrews gifts. The growth mindset approach is seeing

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:44

taking physics as an opportunity to cultivate, nurture and

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:24:47

explore the extent of Andrews gifted intelligence.

Howard Brown: 00:24:53

I have to tell you, I think that that you teach

Howard Brown: 00:24:57

the discipline to be able to look at it from Two sides of the

Howard Brown: 00:25:00

coin. So from the bullying side, the self bullying side and the

Howard Brown: 00:25:04

growth mindset side. And that's a discipline that's a learned

Howard Brown: 00:25:07

thing. That's what you teach. So that's a classic. I know, I

Howard Brown: 00:25:10

think it's, I think it's, I think it's fascinating. So I

Howard Brown: 00:25:12

think it's amazing. All right, well, we're gonna, we're gonna

Howard Brown: 00:25:15

head to the end of the show here. But so I, I just want to

Howard Brown: 00:25:19

tell you that this is a learning for me. So I hope that the

Howard Brown: 00:25:23

audience is learning to, if not, this is my show, I'm being a

Howard Brown: 00:25:26

little selfish here. You've just basically given me a primer to

Howard Brown: 00:25:30

to all your teachings, your book, your TEDx, and all that.

Howard Brown: 00:25:32

So, but I think a lot of other people are going to really,

Howard Brown: 00:25:35

really resonate with this. Alright, so this is a part of

Howard Brown: 00:25:37

the show I put on my glasses here. For those that are just

Howard Brown: 00:25:40

listening, I have my metallic white glasses, it's the shining

Howard Brown: 00:25:43

brightly spotlight, and call Yanni, I want you to tell people

Howard Brown: 00:25:47

how they can get in touch with you. And then then then they'll

Howard Brown: 00:25:50

find your TEDx and then find your class and all that stuff.

Howard Brown: 00:25:52

And I'd love for you then kick back the show to me, but before

Howard Brown: 00:25:55

that, I want you to share some inspiration as you do.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:25:59

Okay, so people can reach me on my

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:26:01

website, that's Kalyani speaks.com. I am on LinkedIn, I

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:26:05

am on Instagram, I am on Facebook as well. My Instagram

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:26:09

is Kalyani speaks 049. The thought that I would like to

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:26:14

leave everyone with is what are you hoping to achieve by

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:26:18

bullying yourself?

Howard Brown: 00:26:22

Wow. I don't know. They'd have to really

Howard Brown: 00:26:24

contemplate that and think about that. So that's the thing. I've

Howard Brown: 00:26:28

not I you know, I heard of anti bullying and before meeting you,

Howard Brown: 00:26:31

the billing itself has been is fairly new to me. So I want to

Howard Brown: 00:26:35

say that I just really appreciate the learning that

Howard Brown: 00:26:39

you've exposed to me and to the audience here. I think they're

Howard Brown: 00:26:42

gonna have some questions for you. I will make sure that your

Howard Brown: 00:26:44

website and the socials are all put in the show notes as well as

Howard Brown: 00:26:47

on the links on the social posting, so people will be able

Howard Brown: 00:26:50

to find you. And I hope they go and do so. So this has been

Howard Brown: 00:26:54

another episode of The shining brightly show. I'm Howard Brown,

Howard Brown: 00:26:57

you can reach me at shining brightly.com. There you can find

Howard Brown: 00:27:01

all of my wonderful speaking examples and my one sheet as

Howard Brown: 00:27:04

well as the book shining brightly. It's a best seller.

Howard Brown: 00:27:07

It's an inspiring read how to live a resilient life with hope.

Howard Brown: 00:27:11

And then also you can see my podcast, which is gaining lots

Howard Brown: 00:27:15

of traction. I'm looking for sponsors as well. But it's

Howard Brown: 00:27:18

happening, it's starting to pick up I think I hit across 12,500

Howard Brown: 00:27:22

downloads. I'm like so excited. That means someone's paying

Howard Brown: 00:27:24

attention here and I'm doing something right. And lastly,

Howard Brown: 00:27:27

also my advocacy, my advocacy for entrepreneurship, my

Howard Brown: 00:27:30

advocacy for cancer, my advocacy for interfaith, I have

Howard Brown: 00:27:33

discussion guides on survivorship on mentorship,

Howard Brown: 00:27:36

which is leadership and also interfaith learning about other

Howard Brown: 00:27:39

people and their customers, their cultures, their foods,

Howard Brown: 00:27:41

their history and their religion. And so lots of good

Howard Brown: 00:27:44

stuff there at shining brightly.com And I'm interactive

Howard Brown: 00:27:46

so you can come and reach me. And then lastly, to close the

Howard Brown: 00:27:49

show, I always say that if you choose to shine brightly, just a

Howard Brown: 00:27:53

little bit each day for yourself. For others in our

Howard Brown: 00:27:56

communities, the world would be a brighter place. Thanks again,

Howard Brown: 00:28:00

Kalyani. It was wonderful. I learned a lot and you're you're

Howard Brown: 00:28:03

really onto something here and I just wish you well and your

Howard Brown: 00:28:07

classes, your teachings and, and really the growth mindset that

Howard Brown: 00:28:10

you provide for everyone. So thank you.

Kalyani Pardeshi: 00:28:12

Thank you very much.